Written by Jordan Krumbine

CHARACTERS
S - SAM
B - Female
C
D

TITLES

S
It was horrible.

B
No.  Really?

S
Totally horrible.  Horrible isn’t even a strong enough word for how bad it was.

C
It was worse than horrible?

D
How can something be worse than horrible?  I’m pretty sure that horrible is about as bad as it gets.

C
I dunno.  If something is REALLY horrible, THAT would be a little worse.

D
Now you’re just arguing semantics.

C
Your face is a semantic.

D
Ooh, vicious retort.  Horrible, even.

C
(flat)
Stop it, you’re killing me.

S
... did you invite those two to the chat?

B
Who, me?

S
Yeah, I’m talking to you.

B
I didn’t invite them.

S
What the hell are they doing here?

B
Eavesdropping on your bad date story?

S
Why am I even talking to you?

B
You’re doing a mitzvah.

S
Come again?

B
A mitzvah.  A good deed.  I haven’t been out on a date in ages and you’re comforting me by sharing your own personal dating experience from hell so that I don’t feel like I’m missing out on much.

C
Wait a minute.

D
Really?

C
What?

D
A whole minute?

C
Say what?

D
You just said wait a minute.

C
Yes.

D
A whole minute?

C
What, you can’t spare a minute?

D
I’m just worried you’re over-estimating this conversational interlude.

C
Maybe I factored in your pointless interruptions.

D
Ooh, touche.

C
Thank you.

D
So what’s up?

C
Is she Jewish?

D
What?

C
The whole mitzvah thing--

B
Oh, come on!  You don’t have to be Jewish in order to use a yiddish word.

C
Are you sure?

B
(hands up)
I’m not having this argument.

S
Can I tell you about the date?

D
I dunno, can you?

S
You’re really annoying, you know that?

D
(shrugs)
Some people think it’s endearing.

S
It’s not.

D
(shrugs again)
Maybe you’re not some people.

B
ALRIGHT ALREADY!

C
She sounds agitated.

D
A little.

B
STOP IT.

C
I kinda like her like this.

D
She pops, doesn’t she?

C
The word ‘vivacious’ would not be inappropriate.

S
So we went an improv show.

B
An improv show?

C
Wait a minute, are you ignoring us now?

S
It was horrible.

D
I think she’s ignoring us now.

B
Why was it horrible?

S
Lemme put it this way: you know what improv is without the comedy?

B
An unfunny improv show?

S
A bunch of people making fools of themselves.

B
And that was the whole night?

S
It was horrible.

B
Wow.

C
Well it doesn’t sound THAT bad.

D
Right?  How bad could an unfunny improv show be?

S
Well, you remember how I was just ignoring you?

C
Like just a second ago?

S
Yeah.

C
Yeah?

S
It’s about as funny as that was.

D
Well, that wasn’t very funny.

C
That wasn’t funny at all.

D
My feelings were actually a little hurt.

C
I almost shed a tear.

B
I’m almost about to barf.

S
Like I said ... it was horrible.

B
Well, even if the show was bad, you still had good company, right?

S
Wrong.

B
Really?

S
We were sitting at a table with three other couples.  Who were seniors.  It was kind of depressing.

C
The show?

D
The company.

C
The show wasn’t depressing?

S
No, the improv show was very depressing.

D
More depressing than the company?

S
It was kind of just a big ol’ wet blanket of depression with distinction between the unfunny improv show and the sad old people who thought it was funny.

B
Wait, the seniors thought the show was funny?

S
That’s what made it so depressing.

C
Cause the show was bad.

D
Horrible.

S
The worst improv show you’d ever see.

B
You know, these bad dates of yours really cramps my whole “living vicariously” through you.

S
Because YOUR needs are my primary concern here.

B
I’m just saying, if you gave me a little consideration, maybe you wouldn’t have gone to the improv show.

C
She has a point.

D
A good point.

C
A very interesting point, too.

D
If you were thinking about what SHE would enjoy, you may very well have had a better date.

C
A better date, indeed.

D
Indeed!

S
Okay, I take it back.

B
You do?

C
You take what back?

S
The date wasn’t that bad.  And it certainly wasn’t worse than sitting here and chatting with you three nutjobs.

B
Hey, don’t lump me in with those two!

C
Don’t lump me in with her!

D
I don’t mind being lumped with anybody.  It makes me feel wanted.

B
See?!  I don’t want be associated with that!

C
See, that’s nothing but intolerance, right there.  I won’t stand for that.

D
What’s wrong with association?  I have a Mental Stability Association that I attend twice a week that I love!

S
(sighs)

END
 
Story by Benzone50
Written by Benzone50 and Jordan Krumbine

Character A - the writer with a penchant for research
Character B -
Character C - a little slow.

TITLES

A
I am so out of ideas right now and I have to admit, it is REALLY getting me down.

C
(inquisitive)
Out of ideas for what?

A
(sighs)
The next script I’m writing.

B
Well, if you’re out of ideas, how are you writing a script?

A
That’s the whole point!  I’m not writing anything!

C
You know, sometimes you have to wade through a lot of nothing before you get to SOMETHING.

A
Oh, I’ve GOT something.  I keep coming up with different topics and then I start writing a conversation, but suddenly the characters don’t have anything to say to each other!

B
The characters you’re WRITING don’t have anything to say about a topic of conversation?

A
(frustrated)
It’s like they magically have no opinion about anything!

B
How do you mean?

A
Okay, here’s an example.  The other day I started a script based on the premise of 2G cell phone owners vs 3G cell phone owners.

B
Ah, technology!  Everybody has an opinion about that!

A
Right!  Well, the script got to the point where the 2G owners realized that the 3Gers were total snobs.  And then they stopped talking to each other!

C
So, what?  You wrote yourself into a corner?!

B
(dismissively)
All you needed to do was bring in a 4G character to get them talking again.  Easy-peasy.

A
.... that is brilliant.  Why the hell didn’t I think of that?  Better yet, where were YOU when I was trying to write these scripts in the first place?!

B
Right here where I always am.  You know I have no life outside of my computer screen.

C
Wait, “scripts”?  As in plural?  What were the other scripts about?

A
One was about these new “memristors” that promise to change the future of electronics.

C
And you fell flat on writing that one, too?

A
I fell like a bag of wet cement.

B
You know you can skype me anytime, right? Wait, what’s a memristor?

A
A memristor was produced by HP together with Hynix, the worlds second largest memory chip maker. They say these little babies have the potential for exponentially greater storage capacities while requiring less energy and space than current flash media.

C
Uh--

A
And get this: they can even be deployed on the PROCESSOR.

C
(Out of his/her depth)
Wow, okay, that’s definitely, uh, very technical.

B
So we could cram a truck load of information into something the size of a twinkie.

A
No, we can already do that with today’s technology.  A twinkie is a terrible size reference because what we’re talking about would be ridiculously small.  They’re even saying that these memristors are the “missing link” in electronics.

C
Oh, so it’s kinda like the “Story of O“, re-written for the future.

B
(blatant confusion, a little surprised)
.....

A
(also very confused)
......

C
Oh, come on!  You’ve never heard of the Story of O?

B
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

C
It’s an animated film.  It was made in the 80’s and it told the story of man as far back as cavemen.  The missing link is named “O” and he grows up with a dinosaur.  They both were rejected by their mothers.

B
(more awkward confusion)
.......

A
(awkward confusion)
.......

A
Okay.  I believe you?

C
(Quoting a line from said movie.  Imitating how you would perceive a dragon would sound after catching a man drinking his dragon food)
That’s not water, Asshole! That’s Dragon food. And just for looking at it, I'm going to crisp you!

B
(more awkward confusion)
.......

A
(awkward confusion)
.......

C
Really?  Nothing?

A
(opens mouth to say something, then thinks better of it)
.....

C
(dejected)
Nevermind.

A
Okay.  So, uh, anyway, the bottom line is that memristors replace the actions of billions of transistors that make up a modern processor.

C
You mean like an old transistor radio?

A
What?  Really?

B
Yes, it’s something like that, but much smaller, here in the 21st century, my little caveman friend.

A
Dude, trying to explain this is an exercise in futility. Anyway there was one other script I began writing about bumblebees in the UK that are at risk of becoming extinct because of inbreeding.

B
Huh.  Now that sounds interesting.

A
Yeah I thought so, too. I likened the road to extinction of these bumblebees to the royal family, in that there is a lack of genetic diversity which then makes them susceptible to parasites, twitches, prone to pollen poisoning-like alcoholism in humans, etcetera, etcetera.

C
What?  Bees with twitches and alcohol problems?!

B
(confused)
.....?

A
Anyway I got way too caught up in all the detail to ever make the script interesting.

B
Well, if you want my opinion, scrap it all and just write a script about all of this.  The Missing Link versus you and the sheer confusion that follows from all this talk about information and technology.

A
(offended)
Are you serious?  That’s a terrible idea.  Worst thing I’ve ever heard.

C
Pfft.  That’s a great idea!  I’ve been recording this whole chat and I’m gonna upload it to YouTube and get millions of hits and become super famous!  Missing Link OUT!
(signs off)

A
(awkward confused)
.....

B
...... this whole conversation was recorded.

A
You weren’t serious about it being a good idea, were you?

B
No, I think it’s a great idea.

A
.... there’s no way it’ll get a million views, right?

B
It WAS a pretty funny chat.

A
I put all this work and research into my scripts and that-that-that NEANDERTHAL is gonna just post a recording of a live chat!

B
With all of your ideas in it, don’t forget that part!

A
(despondent)
I’ll never write again.

B
Oh, don’t say that.

Character A drops head to desk with a thud.

B
Was that the bag of wet cement again?

A
(long drawn out moan)
Uuuuuuuuuuh!

END



(Adlibbing by all characters is encouraged. I see the adlibbing being a bonus and a great tool for people to sink themselves into their prospective characters and bring much more to the table, including great out-takes, LOL!)


Links
Couldnt find the HP link I read info from.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-11199779 inbred bumblebees
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7v6J6TrzgFI Missing link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7Hq1IKuK2o Missing link
 
Written by Jordan Krumbine

A - Female
B - Male
C - 

A
I think I’m in love.

B
I’m sorry?

A
I said I think I’m in love.

B
No, I heard you, I was just expressing my condolences.

A
... you’re a jackass.

B
Of this, I am aware.

A
You’re aware that you’re a jackass?

B
That I am.

A
And yet you persist in your jackassiness.

B
Although I’m fairly certain that jackassiness is not a real word, I am compelled to agree with your general thesis.

A
I hate you.

B
Ah, but you just said you love me.

A
I said I’m IN love.  Not with you.  Ass.

B
Can I ask you a question?

A
Who am I in love with?

B
No.  Why do you have to be so cruel?

A
What, you don’t care who I’m in love with?

B
I didn’t say that.

A
You’re more interested in asking me about this false perception of cruelty than about the man who’s stolen my heart.

B
Wow, yet another misinterpretation of the truth.

A
Misinterpretation of the truth?

B
Lies.  Damn lies.

A
I don’t even know why I talk to you ...

B
It’s my effervescent personality.

A
You should try cutting back.  All that effervescence is making me nauseous.

B
There’s nothing false about it.

A
What?

B
There’s nothing false about it.

A
I heard you the first time.  Nothing false about me being nauseous?

B
You said that I was more interested in asking you about a false perception of cruelty.

A
Oh my god, you’re still on that?

B
There’s nothing false about it.

A
I’m not cruel!

B
You proclaimed that you hate me and then stated that you weren’t in love with me.  That sounds cruel to me.

A
Well, geez, when you put it that way--

B
If there’s any other way to put it, it far exceeds my admittedly vast cognitive abilities.

A
Okay, yeah, I must be the cruelest person alive cause I am hating the HELL out of you right now.

B
(shrugs)
I get that sometimes.

C
This is amazing.

A
This is depressing.

B
On the whole, I find this to be remarkably uninteresting.

C
How can you be so blasé about this?

B
Tenacious indifference.

C
I’m sorry?

B
Yes, yes you are.

C
What?

A
Oh, god ...

B
Tenacious indifference.  I endeavor to maintain a high level of tenacity while remaining indifferent to all that surrounds me.

C
Does ANYBODY actually like you?

B
Not that I’m aware of.

C
And this doesn’t bother you?

B
Of course not.

C
Because of the tenacious indifference?

B
Because of the tenacious indifference.

C
Well, I’d still like to know.

B
(confused)
... know what?

C
She’s in love with someone.  I’d like to know who.

B
Whom.  And really?  That just doesn’t seem like it would be very interesting.

A
NOTHING is very interesting to you.

B
Be that as it may, I hardly see that as an excuse for you to suddenly express for whom you feel inexplicably attracted to.

C
Yeah, but I want to know.

A
I’m in a love with a gorgeous guy.

B
See, I can practically feel the tepid disappointment enveloping us as we speak.  It’s a good thing I don’t care, for in my own heart I carry the torch of--

C
Tenacious indifference?

B
Tenacious indifference.

A
He’s totally dreamy.  He has these enormous blue eyes and huge arms and his chest--

B
Does he also have hands?

A
What?

B
You seem to be listing off all his body parts.  He has hands to go with the large arms and chest?  Does he have a nose as well?  Legs?  Feet?

C
Whoa, what happened to the tenacious indifference?

B
Oh, it’s still there.  These words coming out of my mouth?  I don’t really care about them.

C
Wow.

B
I know.

A
I hate you.

B
I know that, too.

A
Because I’m cruel?

B
Because you already said that.

A
Oh, I REALLY hate you now.

B
(shrugs)
I get that.

C
I kinda hate you, too.

B
Etcetera, etcetera, ad nauseum.

C
And yet I am utterly in awe of this tenacious indifference.

B
It is awe-inspiring.

A
Ugh.

C
Can you teach me?

B
Probably not.

C
Dammit.  Is that coming from you or the tenacious indifference?

B
Does it matter?

C
(realizing the lesson that was just taught)
Wait ... fine.  Don’t teach me.  I don’t care.

B
Ooh, touché.  Well done.

END
 
story by:
BENZONE50

written by
BENZONE50
KRUMBINE

CAST:
Obsquatch
Tripp
Krumbine

TITLES

O
OK Captain at the OK Corral!

T
Holy Jesus, Son of God!  What's up, Obsy?

O
When are we blessing the green pastures with some more of our awesome circle work?

K
Circle work?

O
Holy crap-faced, shit-eating, turd monster!  This is just like that shit that's not butter!

K
Butter?

T
I think he means I can't believe it's not butter.

O
I can't believe it's Krumbine!

T
You mean, you can't believe it's NOT Krumbine.  But it is.

O
(sighs)
Yeah, that one fell apart on me.  Sorry.

K
Yeah, uh, Captain of Verbosity and his Sidekick of Eloquence ... can we get back to the circles?

T
Wait, who's supposed to be Verbosity?

O
Hey, I'm no fucking sidekick.

T
But I'm already Captain Holypants.  I can't be a sidekick if I'm the captain.

O
Exactly. You're already the captain.  Which means I'm Captain Verbosity.

T
That doesn't make any sense!

O
Yeah, well your face doesn't make sense!

T
Great, real mature, Obsquatch.

O
(mimicking, high-pitched voice)
Great, real mature, Obsquatch!

T
(angry)
HEY--you will burn in the fiery tar pits of the deepest levels of purgatory!  I KNOW people!

K
GUYS!  Come on, now!

T
Yeah, okay, you're right.  That was too much.  I'm sorry, Obsquatch.

O
You KNOW people?!

T
(shrugs)
Yeah.

O
Seriously?

T
Dude, I can make shit happen.

K
Fellas--with the circles--please!

T
(clears throat)
Right, okay.  Yeah, he actually means golf.

K
Golf?

O
Yes, golf.  It's all about circles, Krumbine.  Golf.  And life.  Mostly golf, though.  Well, maybe 70/30.  Or 60/40.  But it's the circle of life.  And golf.  It's all about circles.

K
Okay.  Uh, WHAT?

T
Look, to make a long story short--

O
Oh, really?  A long story short?!  Since WHEN?!

T
Hey, you're not easily distracted, are you, Obsquatch?

O
(chuckling; oblivious)
What?

T
Oh, is that a squirrel with a shiny white golf ball behind you??

O
(eyes go wide)
What?!  Squirrel?

Obsquatch spins around looking for the golfing squirrel.  Krumbine is mystified.  Tripp clears his throat again.

T
See, Krumbine, Obsquatch here uses golf as an excuse to do circle work in the golf carts.  Traditionally, this will take place on the holy 18 green pastures that golfers call home.

K
Ahh .... see, now I feel like I’m in the loop.  Thanks Captain.

O
Dude, there is no goddamned squirrel.

K
(laughs; pulls out cell phone)
This I have to tweet.

T
Tweet what?

O
Goddammit, Krumbine!  There will be no tweets, tweeting, or twatting on this webcam chat!  I've had enough of that tweeter bullshit!

T
Wait, are you talking about tweeting the circles or the squirrel?

K
The circles.  But I do have to admit: a squirrel with a shiny white golf ball does tickle my fancy, if you know what I mean.

O
Krumbine if you tweet an iota of this I will personally shove your “tweet machine” so far up your ass you'll have to fart to answer your phone. Got it?

K
Jeez ... hostile much?

O
You'll have to scream at your ass hole just so people will be able to HEAR you!

K
Yeah, whatever.  Message received, squirrel boy.  One thing, though--

T
(warning)
You heard the man, no tweeting!

K
(irritated)
YEAH, I got it!  What I was gonna say--

O
I swear to God, I’ll set it to vibrate!

K
(hand gesticulating)
ALRIGHT.  All I wanted to stay was that I'm glad you kept me in the loop, it kinda means a lot to me.  Why are you so anally fixated??

Obsquatch starts to speak and then stops.  Tripp cocks his head thoughtfully.

K
And why the hell are you drawing circles on the score card while in the golf cart?  That doesn't make any sense!

T
(shakes head ponderously)
You have so much to learn, Krumbine ...

O
Dude, listen, circle work is all about golf and golf is all about circle work.  It's simple.

K
... what?

T
Yeah, I gotta agree with him on that.  What?!

O
Life ... is a circle.  It's cyclical.  It goes round and around like--

K
Circles?

O
Exactly.  And circles and life are meant to be fun in the sense that the circle of life SHOULD BE fun.  Therefore, life is about circles, circles are about golf, and golf is about--

K
Life?

O
Circles!  Not that complicated, Krumbine!

T
Says you.

K
Okay, so what's your point?

T
You know, technically a circle doesn't have a point.  It's a geometric impossibility.

K
I feel dizzy.

O
That’s a good sign, Krumbine.  It means you're on the right track.

K
That I'm dizzy?!

O
See, you pay a fee to hit a white, dimpled ball …

K
If you can get it away from the squirrel.

T
Eh, nothing a BB-gun wont fix.

O
Now this little dimpled white ball is a circle.
(makes circle gesture with hands)
Which you then hit round 18 fairways, to putt in 18 holes which are circle in shape. (gestures circle with hands) Along the way you splice the ball on the first dog leg fairway, which sends your ball cross country. So you throw your golf club at it in the hope it will fetch the golf ball for you. When that doesn’t happen, you jump in your golf buggy in a fit of frustration and drive around and around in circles.

Tripp and Krumbine offer various looks of confusion as Obsquatch descends in to a rambling state.

O
In the end, you realize you're right back where you started, where you payed your fees to begin with.  And if you're lucky, at the end of this journey, you should be exponentially wiser.

K
Okay, wiser about ...?

O
Golf, on the whole, is a complete waste of a good walk.  And in the end, you're better off staying where you started, cause you're just gonna wind up there in the end, anyway.  The circle of golf.  And life.  Golf life.  The life of golf.  Something.

T
That actually makes a strange amount of sense.

K
Agreed.  Hey, you mind if I tweet about that?

O
Goddammit, Krumbine!  I seriously hope you like the taste of rubber in the morning because I am COMING for you and when I get there, I will shove my boot so far up your ass, you'll be tasting sole for a week.  Tweet about THAT, asshole.

K
Okay, what is with you shoving things up people's asses?!  Seriously, that is NOT right, man!

T
(laughing, eating popcorn)
This IS a good show!!
(and if you DO pull out some popcorn here)
Hm ... this doesn't taste like butter on my popcorn.

O
That's because it's "I can't believe it's not butter".  From my ASS.

T
Ugh.  Really, Obsquatch?
(very short beat)
AGAIN?

END
 

Story by Benzone50
Written by Benzone50 and Jordan Krumbine


Characters 
A = Female
B = Male or Female
C = Male or Female

A
(upset)
I REALLY haven't been in the lucky house as of late.

B
The lucky house? What does that even mean?

C
What does it mean?  It doesn't mean anything.  We make our own luck, you know?  Even in situations that seem impossible without some kind of lucky influence, we've actually made decisions that have led us up to that moment.  Luck has nothing to do with it.

B
Ah, the whole "master of our domain" theory.

C
Yes, totally!

A
(angry)
What you're saying is that it's my fault that some jerk T-boned my car after running a red light, on my way home from the doctors, where I found out I have “Restless Leg Syndrome?”

B
(sympathetic)
Oooh ....

C
No, I'm saying that the decisions we make in our lives lead us to circumstances that while on first blush seem like the result of good or bad luck, are in actuality, products of our own actions!

A
What action of mine made the jerk-wad t-bone me?!

C
Well, I wouldn’t call it a direct action, but the action of you driving that day DID put you in the path of the aforementioned jerk-wad.

A
(annoyed with the lack of empathy)
Oh, I see.  You don’t consider it bad luck.  Fine.  Well, what if I told you that these circumstances that you seem to think are the results of my own actions, didn’t end with the car crash!!

B
Oh my god, really? There’s more? You poor thing.

A
Thank you. At least someone understands! 

B
So what else happened?

A
Well when I finally got home from the police station I had found my house had been broken into--

B
WHAT?

A
The brand new TV was gone, DVD player, printer, microwave, my hair dryer and they had squeezed all of my toothpaste out on my bed, after writing on my bathroom mirror with it.

B
What did they write?

A
“Sucker”.

B
Holy crap! That is definitely a day full of bad luck.  What bastards!

C
(unsympathetic)
Most unfortunate, sorry to hear.

A
UNFORTUNATE?! Bad luck is what I say!

C
Well, that’s because of your perception and like I said --

A
After all of that, you’re still running with the “it’s all my fault” theory?!

C
Uh ... yes.  Sorry.  Not to change the subject, but what is Restless Leg Syndrome, anyway?

A
I feel like I have to walk or move my legs whenever I sit down or go to bed. I get a tingly feeling in my legs and sometimes it’s very painful.

C
Oh, right, I’ve heard of that. Some people can’t sleep because of the pain and irritation in their legs.

B
Oh, man, wow.  That’s horrible!

A
Well, yes to top it all off I AM one of those sleep-deprived people, thanks to my damn restless legs!

B
So all this just started happening to you recently?

A
Yes, since two weeks ago.  Every day since the first, something unlucky has happened to me.

B
Have you had any signs of good luck?  Any at all?

C
(scoffs)
Any signs?  Really?  You, too?

B
Hey, come on!  You don’t ... oh forget it. 

A
No good signs whatsoever. Like today, while I was walking to work, it was nice and sunny, clear blue skies and then BANG!  A shot rings out and white pigeon falls dead on the ground in front of me.

B
Oh, well thank god.  That’s good!

A
Excuse me?!

C
What?!

A
In what world is a dead pigeon falling from the sky GOOD?!

C
No world that I know of.

A
I can’t believe I’m actually agreeing with YOU.

C
Well, it’s not THAT bad.

A
(scoffs)
Pfft.

B
But it IS a good thing.  Kind of.

A
(Disgusted)
The pigeon?  What kind of sick puppy are you?!  I fell over trying to avoid the poor thing and ended up spraining my ankle!

C
That was unfortunate.

A
UNFORTUNATE?! AGAIN?!

B
Okay, look: finding WHITE feathers is a sign of good luck. It means that an angel is looking after you.  You said it was a white pigeon, right?

A
Oh my god .... a few white feathers -- sure, I can see that.  But a whole damn bird, splat dead at my feet?!  You CAN’T tell me that’s good luck!

B
Oooh!  A whole bird full of luck!  Can you imagine if it had been a white duck?
(chuckles)

C
(chuckling)
Oh, you lucky duck!

A
I hardly think it’s all that lucky if the damn thing has been shot dead!

B
Okay, seriously, was there even a single feather that fell off the bird?

A
Well, come to think of it, yes.  One did fall off the bird while it was still airborne.  It floated down and brushed my nose.

B
(in awe)
Oh wow, you really are being looked after by an angel.

A
(a glimmer of hope in her voice)
Do you really think so?
(starts typing in computer)

C
Now this is ridiculous! I thought you people were intelligent.

B
Trust me, everything that you think has been bad luck for the past two weeks, I reckon has actually been good luck.  Someone’s got their eye on you.

C
There you go again! That’s just your skewed perception altering reality. Besides, who’s ever even SEEN an angel?!

B
Well, if an angel made it easy to contact and talk to then that would be interfering with life. Can you imagine? We would probably try to make deals with angels. That wouldn’t be very fair.

C
Are you even listening to yourself?!  You’ve exited the realm of rationality and succumbed to incoherent babbling!

A
I don’t believe this! You lied to me!
(reading off computer)
Says here “The order of the white feather of cowardice. The tradition of giving someone the white feather of cowardice goes back several hundred years, but became a populist issue in England during World War 1”.

B
Now, that is totally wrong. You can’t believe everything you read on the internet. Plus we aren’t in the middle of a war.

A
(still reading from screen)
No, there was even an organisation formed and they encouraged women to give young men white feathers who had not already joined the British Army.

B
Those were different times and--

C
(interrupts)
Perceptions were different!?

B
Oh, quiet with your perceptions already!

A
Says here “the pacifist, Fenner Brockway, claimed he received so many white feathers he had enough to make a fan.”
(said with pride and defiance)
I can tell you this, I am no coward, despite of all these bad things happening to me, I’m still out there living my life. 

Suddenly there’s a LOUD BANG on a window in C’s room.  The noise startles everyone.  The sound will be added in post-production.

A
Oh my god, what was that?!

B
I think I soiled myself.

C
(looking off to window that’s off-screen)
There’s white feathers all over my window and it looks like there’s a dead pigeon on the ground.

B
Oh, wow.  You are SO lucky.

A
No,  I don’t think so.  You must be a coward.  Definitely a coward.

C
Perception clouds reality, none more so than the perception of good or bad luck!

A
Are you SURE about that?

C
(looks off to window)
Uh .... no?

END
 

Written by Jordan Krumbine

CHARACTERS
A - the Christian
B - the bitter atheist
C - the “alternative”

A
(sighs)
I’m so happy.

B
Oh, shut it.

A
Your seemingly endless depths of negativity no longer have any effect on me.

B
I doubt that.

A
It’s true.

B
No it isn’t.

A
Are you contradicting me just for the hell of contradicting me?

B
As a matter of fact, yes.

A
(befuddled)
Why would you do something like that?!

B
Because I have no freaking idea what you’re talking about and I figure if I fake it long enough, eventually I’ll find something to be pissed about.

A
(chuckling)
Well, you’re going to be faking it for a long a time, for I have found my true light.

B
Excuse me?

A
I’ve found Jesus.

B
Come again?

A
I have Jesus in my heart.

B
Well that didn’t take long at all.

A
For me to find Jesus?

B
For me to find something to be pissed about.

TITLES

A
Don’t trample all over my faith!

B
Why the hell not?  You trampled all over my intelligence just by proclaiming your love for Jesus!

A
There is NOTHING wrong with believing.

B
Yes there is!

A
See, you’re just contradicting me again!

B
I believe in pizza.

A
What?

B
I believe in pizza.  I have faith in pizza.  I pray that every time I eat pizza, it makes me happy.  And it does.  It’s practically a religious experience.  A religiously pizza experience.

A
Now you’re just mocking me.

B
Yes.

A
I KNEW it!

B
Oh, you know nothing!

A
I know I’m going to heaven while your sorry ass burns in hell for all of eternity.

B
What, is that it?

A
Yeah, that’s it.

B
No, I mean, is that why you suddenly found Jesus?

A
How do you mean?

B
You’re all of a sudden high-and-mighty in the faith because you’re afraid of going to hell?

A
That’s not the ONLY reason.

B
There is literally no intellectual basis for any kind of religion--

A
It’s not about about intelligence!

B
...

A
...

B
... seriously?  You just said that?

A
(grumbles)
Well, it’s NOT.

B
You don’t have to tell me twice.

A
Knowing I’m going to heaven makes me feel good.

B
Going to the restroom makes me feel good, but you don’t see me worshipping the toilet.

A
You’re comparing Jesus to a toilet?  You’re going to hell.

B
Why are you so obsessed with a post-mortal existence?  It doesn’t make any sense!  You and all the other Jesus-freaks spend so much time worrying about what happens after you die that you completely squander the time that you have alive!

A
JESUS is the answer!

B
NOBODY ASKED A QUESTION!

A
There’s just no talking to you, then.

B
Oh, that’s hilarious, because I was just going to say the same about you.

A
I’m still happy.

B
Yeah, well, you’re still stupid.

A
It’s not about intelligence.

B
You said that already, much to my delight.

A
You’re still going to hell.

B
I have slightly more important things to worry about.

A
More important than your immortal soul?

B
My left nut is more important than my immortal soul.

C
Hey guys, I have big news!

A
Ooh, me too!

B
Oh, god ...

C
I am officially a Scientologist.  I’m like Tom Cruise.  How fucking cool is that?!

B
...

A
...

B
... so, uh, what were you saying about it having nothing to do with intelligence?


END
 
Written by Jordan Krumbine

A - male, the artist
B - obsessed with the lack of innovation in the toilet paper industry
C - female, overly sympathetic, supportive to a fault


COLD OPEN

B
I'm just saying, I've given this a lot of thought. 

A
Congratulations?

B
I'm serious!

A
Fine, good for you.

B
I just think that within the realm of innovation, this single product is seriously lacking.

A
And this is what you've given a lot of thought to?

B
Yes, that's right. 

A
Can I tell you something?

B
Sure. 

A
I have no idea what you're talking about. 

B
I'm talking about innovation!

A
I thought you were talking about a lack of innovation?

B
Well, yeah, but it still falls under the topical umbrella of innovation.  

A
The topical umbrella of innovation?

B
That's right. 

A
Can I tell you something else?

B
Yeah, sure.

A
I still have no idea what you're talking about.

TITLES

B
Toilet paper. 

A
Toilet paper?

B
(shrugs)
Toilet paper. That's what I'm talking about. 

A
You're actually talking about toilet paper?

B
That's right. 

A
Why?

B
Because of the innovation!

A
You mean the lack of innovation?

B
Exactly!

C
Did you say something about toilet paper?

A
Oh, please don't encourage this.

C
Why not?

A
(emotional)
Because of all the things that should be encouraged in a person’s life, an obsession about the lack of innovation in toilet paper, frankly, is embarrassing.

B
Uh-oh.

C
This doesn't sound good. 

B
This doesn't sound like we're talking about toilet paper anymore. 

C
And considering you guys, that's actually surprising. 

B
Hey!

C
I call it like I see it. 

B
(quick to give up)
Eh, that's fair. 

A
(depressed)
She said it was cute. 

C
Cute?

B
Oh, no ...

C
Who's she?

A
After spending three weeks producing that music video, she finally watches it and calls it 'cute'. 

B
Ouch. 

C
(pressing)
Who's she??

B
The chick he wants to bang. 

A
Hey, come on, man!

B
Well, it's true!

C
So she's not your girlfriend?

A
No.  And now that she thinks my video is cute, I'll never get to call her my girlfriend. 

C
I don't understand. What's so bad about her saying the video was cute?

B
Really??

A
What, are you serious?

B
What's so bad about 'cute'?!

A
(serious)
Have you ever made a movie before?

C
Well, sure I record vlogs all the time--

B
(laughs)
Vlogs!

A
No-no, I'm not talking about some lame, ill-prepared chat with your webcam. I'm talking about a MOVIE. A work of art. Something you pour your heart and soul into. 

B
He's very serious about his art. 

A
I am!

C
I can tell. 

A
It's a serious thing! 

C
Sure. 

A
And, hell, if I don't take it seriously, who else will?

B
Certainly not the girl you want to bone. 

A
Come on!

C
So calling your "movie" cute is bad, right?

B
(explaining)
It's pretty much dismissing any and all creative and technical merits of the production, thereby negating all the work that was put into it. 

A
It freaking sucks!

C
Well, what was your movie about?

A
It was a music video. It was about a zombie puppet trying to find his one true love. 

C
A zombie puppet.

A
Here, I'll send you the link. 

C
Oh.

B
Cute sucks, dude. 

A
Cute blows.

B
Calling something cute is like a person has injected zero innovation into their powers of critical thinking. 

A
You are ABSOLUTELY right.

B
Just like toilet paper. 

A
(angry)
Goddammit!!!

C
Oh, yeah, I saw this one. 

A
You did?  You never left a comment. 

C
Well, I--

A
What did you think of it? I told you it took me three weeks from start to finish to produce it, right?

B
Yes, you already said that. 

A
It's important to know, is all.

B
Not really.

A
Okay, never mind, then. So what did you think of it?

C
Well ...

A
...

B
...
(smiles, then giggles)

C
I thought it was definitely, uh ...

A
....

C
(pained)
.... cute.

A
(looks like he got punched in the gut)

END
 
Written by Eric Morrison

A (male) neurotic and emotional
B (male) self involved and even more neurotic
C (female) innocent,chipper and heartspoken

TITLES

A
And there I was: lying naked and guilt-ridden and I just felt so goddamned terrible.

B
(typing away and disinterested)
Uh-huh.

A
It just felt wrong, you know? Like I was cheating on her.

B
For sure

A
So…well I…uh, well I started to cry.

B
(still typing away)
Awesome.

A
… are you even listening to me?

B
No.

A
What!? Here I am just pouring my heart and soul out to you about my first sexual experience since my ex-wife and you’re not even listening to me?!

B
Yeaaaaah … no.

A
What the hell!? I just told you something of the utmost personal importance and you’re not even listening!? I cried during SEX for God sakes! How is that not interesting?
(to himself)
I cried during sex.

B
(stops typing; flat)
Hey, wow, you never told me you were a hermaphrodite.

A
Hermaphrodite--what the hell are you talking about?!

B
Well considering the only other kind of people I know to have cried before, during or after sex are women then consequently it must mean that you bear something that resembles a vagina somewhere next to your weenis.

A
You know what … never mind.  Just never mind. What are you doing anyway? What’s so important for you--

B
(matter of fact)
I kinda get turned on when women cry.

A
What, like during sex?

B
No … well yeah but mostly I mean at any given moment. I don’t know … there’s just something so raw and pure about the emotion of sadness. It’s such a rich, powerful emotion.  Gives me a chubby.

A
You must have a hard time at funerals. 

B
Oh, I do my best to steer clear of any public place or events that involves intense sadness.  I consider it my own personal cross to bear.  Much like your hermaphrodicitic weeping during sex.

A
Whenever I think you can’ t get any stranger you blow my mind. So what ARE you doing?

B
Well, my friend, in the spirit of generosity and as an attempt to alleviate a little creative pressure from our good friend Krumby, I am writing an episode of Webcams.

C
YOU’RE WRITING AN EPISODE OF WEBCAMS!?

Both A and B jump frightened

A
Jeez, can you let us know when you join the chat, please?

B
Yeah, that would be nice.

C
(giggling)
Sorry. Writing an episode of Cams? That is SO cool!

B
Yup.

A
Umm … how long have you been here exactly.

C
Just clicked on. Nice to see you too, you meanie.

A
Sorry I was just wondering--

C
So what’s it going to be about?

B
(drawing it out, hesitant to say)
Well … I dunno--

C
Pleaaaase. Oh pretty please tell us!

B
Alright. It’s called Urine my Urinal. Characters A and B are giving character C a hard time because he can’t pee in a urinal. I’m thinking it should be purrrettty hilarious.

A
Is this umm, inspired from actual events at all?

B
Well, yeah, it is actually.

C
(curious)
So you can’t pee at a urinal? Ever?

B
Well no.

A
(amused)
That’s a little weird. Ever?

B
No. I always take a stall. For both onsies and twosies.

A
….

C


B


A
So ... why?

B
(shrugs)
Dunno.  Just can’t.  I’ve gone into a empty public bathroom, got in front of a urinal and began to pee and then the moment the door creaks open the floodgates just cut off.

C
So you CAN pee though. 

B
Yes.

A
(thinking)
… just not in anyones presence. Hmmmm.

C
So what did you do?

B
What did I do?
(shrugs)
I stood there.

A
Stood there?

C
Stood there?

B
(embarrassed)
Yes, I stood there.

C
You just stood there? With your, uh, willy out?  Just standing at the urinal?

A
You never cease to amaze me.

B
That’s not the worst part. After the first guy, even more people kept coming in, one after the other, so I couldn’t even bring myself to move.

A
What do you mean? You just stood there the whole time pretending to pee?!

C
Oh my god…

B
Well, I just froze. One guy came over and just struck up a conversation like I was his best pal and we where sitting at the bar.  So I just … froze, you know.

A
Hmm, urinal conversations. I’m not to partial to those either.  I’ve seen worse though: some guy takes the urinal next to mine and just lets one rip like he was all alone.  Just rips it big time. That was kinda weird but you don’t see me getting all weird about it.

C
How long did you just stand there with your Johnson in the wind anyway?

B
That’s not important.

A
Come on buddy, we won’t judge you. How long?

B
That doesn’t--

C
(concerned)
Oh my god, how long?

A
How long buddy? Howlonghowlonghowlo-

B
15 MINUTES OK!! 

A
(breaks out laughing)
Hahaha..15..hahahah…your such a freak.

B
Hey! I’m not the one who bawls like a baby during sex!!!

C
You cry during sex?

A
No, no, no noo! We are going way off subject here!

C
(earnestly)
I just don’t know who to feel sorry for now.

A
We where talking about how he stood there airing out his tube snake for 15 minutes, remember?

C
You poor thing. You really should see someone about that … it’s just not healthy.

B
Hey! What’s not healthy about it, huh? Have you ever peed in a urinal before!?

C
Well, no--

B
That’s right you haven’t! How would you like it if I went into the ladies room and tore out every wall between the stalls, huh!? Just one big open room full of toilets for every one to take a big community pee together, huh!? You wouldn’t feel the least bit self conscious at all sitting next to your boss or your mother-in-law taking a pee?

C
I…wow…I never though of it that way.

B
Yeah, damn straight.  Now if you’ll excuse me--

A
Dude, where are you going?

B
(suddenly worried) I gotta pee.

END
 
Story by:
Benzone50

Script by:
Benzone50
Jordan Krumbine

Characters
A = a dense ignoramus
B = the enlightened champion of hemp
C = open-minded, but dubious.
D = a denser ignoramus


A
(resolute)
I’m telling you, this disaster in the Gulf of Mexico is BEYOND inexcusable!  And as stewards of this planet, we are OBLIGATED to boycott BP!

B
(rubs forehead) Like I haven’t heard this a thousand times already.  Look--say you boycott BP.

A
I will!

B
Fine.  Assuming you do and assuming you stop buying BP’s gasoline, tell me what you think that’s going to do.

A
What it’s going to do?  I’ll tell you what it’s going to do.  It’s gonna send a MESSAGE, that’s what it’s gonna do.

B
If you want to send a message, write a letter.

A
(smarmy)
A letter’s not gonna stop oil spills like the one in the Gulf!

B
But not buying gas from BP will?  For the love of mother earth, herself--do you REALLY think that the demand for crude oil will simply evaporate because a handful of people decide to boycott BP?!

A
The message it will send will be decisive.  We will not tolerate such egregious disregard for the aquatic ecosystem!

B
You know, you make me want to ram an ice pick through my skull just so I don’t have to endure the insufferable and incoherent ramblings of you and your kind.

A
(offended)
My KIND?!

C
Well, now, that seemed like a little much.

A
I am VERY offended here!

B
Of course you are!  You can’t help but be offended what with that goddammed sheeple mentality of yours.

C
(confused)
Wait, sheeple?

A
(really offended)
Oh, you have got a lot of nerve--

B
(irritated)
Ahh, cool your jets, hotshot.  

C
What do you mean about his kind?  And what’s a sheeple?

B
(brushing off)
You don’t want to know.

C
I’m asking you.

B
(definitively)
You don’t want to know.

C
I just said I want to know!

B
You don’t want to know because you can’t wrap your head around it!  Even if I tell you, you won’t understand, and in the end we both will have wasted our time!

C
Be that as it may ... I still wanna know.

A
What are you talking about?!

B
Alright.  Fine.  You wanna boycott BP in order to send a message, right?

A
Right.

B
And the message is that you’re concerned, right?

A
Right.

C
Concerned about what?

A
I’m concerned about all the oil being spilled in the Gulf of Mexico!

B
And I’M concerned about people like you complaining about things they don’t understand!

A
Don’t understand??  Millions of gallons of oil are spilling into the Gulf!  What’s not to understand?!

C
It does seem pretty straightforward.

B
Look, the only thing straightforward is how all you sheeple love to jump on the complaint wagon without ever offering any intelligent and educated solutions of your own.  As a matter of fact, all of your incessant whining is just about as big a crisis as the oil spill in the first place.

C
(disbelief)
As big a crisis?  You’re crazy!

B
Crazy??  Or am I the only sane person in the room?!  Sure, it might not impact the environment as directly, but the ineptitude and sheer stupidity rates pretty fucking high on my crisis scale!

A
I can’t even talk to you right now.

C
You’re a little abrasive, you know?

B
(shrugs)
I’m a victim of a broken society.

A
The wildlife in the Gulf of Mexico are the REAL victims!

B
See--SEE--that’s irony!

A
(agast)
Irony?!

C
What the HELL are you talking about?!

B
In order to see the poor animals affected by the oil spill, you have to be able to see past the oil itself!  Don’t you SEE?  This isn’t BP’s fault--it’s YOURS.

A
WHAT?!  This is not my fault!  I was nowhere near the Gulf of Mexico!

B
You don’t have to be near the tragedy in order to contribute to it.

C
(thinking)
You’re talking in a global-sense, aren’t you?

A
(determined)
We have to boycott BP because BP is the problem!

B
NO!  The problem isn’t BP and it isn’t that BP is responsible for an accidental oil spill!  The problem is that we--as a global society--are so goddammed dependent on oil in the first place!

A
Yeah, well, I’m dependent on oxygen, too.  You wanna make something of THAT?!

B
SEE!  Sheeple!

C
Again with the sheeple!  I wish you’d stop it with that!

B
I’ll stop it when this brainless dipwad starts using their head!

A
(enraged)
I’m sitting right here!

B
Oh, you caught that?  I didn’t think you’d understand me, you know, since I was TALKING.

C
Look, I agree!  I think people have an overwhelming tendency to be stupid, but you can’t counter their points with belligerence!

B
And yet I have no other way to reach them unless I belligerently beat it through their dense skulls!

C
Okay, how about, this--let me try something.

B
Whatever!

A
What are you going doing?

C
Will you promise not to be so dense for five minutes?

A
I’m not being dense!

C
C’mon!

A
(resigns)
Fine ...

C
There, see?

B
Okay, look, it all boils down to this: as human beings, we simply DON’T HAVE TO BE reliant on a single resource.  There are alternatives to oil that can be just as beneficial and will give back to the earth as much as it gives to us.

C
So you mean like electricity?  There was an electric car.

B
No!  Oil can even be found in electricity.  As a matter of fact, in New York, oil still fuels about 8 percent of the state’s electricity.

A
Obviously, we need oil to survive, which means we have to drill for it.

B
No, we DON’T and if more people understood this, we could turn oil drilling into the archaic practice that it really is.

C
Okay, if not oil, than what?

B
You’re not going to like it.

C
For crying out loud!

B
Industrial grade hemp.

C
(quieted)
....

A
(confused)
....

B
I told you, you weren’t going to like it.

C
Weed?

A
And I’m the crazy one??  You’re just a dope-smoking hippie who wants another reason to grow weed!

B
This is what I’ve been saying: I can’t talk to people like this.

C
Alright, alright ... let’s give him a chance to speak his mind.

A
He’s probably high right now!!!

B
See, that’s where you are so blindly wrong!  If I were smoking industrial grade hemp, I wouldn’t be high.  I’d have a pretty bad headache, but I wouldn’t be high.  In fact, the only thing I’d be doing is wasting a valuable resource.

A
Yeah, a valuable resource to get you high!

B
(frustrated)
OH MY GOD!!!

C
Explain this to me: how can hemp possibly be an alternative to crude oil?  That doesn’t make sense.

B
It makes perfect sense when you understand all the products that oil is used to make.  In fact, hemp can be used as an alternative not only for products made from oil, but wood, too.  Industrial grade hemp has the potential to make oil dependency completely obsolete!

A
(smarmy)
HEMP is still marijuana and MARIJUANA is still illegal.

B
(rolling eyes) Industrial grade hemp is NOT marijuana.  It’s been associated with marijuana because it’s from the same family of plant and because certain people have taken a few extraneous liberties with the facts on this matter.

C
(chuckling)
Wait a minute, so you’re saying--

B
I’m saying that back in the 1930’s, there was a intricate and far-reaching conspiracy to eradicate industrial grade hemp.  All in the name of the mighty dollar.

A
Yeah, you’re definitely high.

B
You can’t get high off industrial grade hemp!

A
(aggressive)
Than what’s YOUR excuse???

B
(ticking off facts)
1925: Henry Ford tells a New York Times reporter that the fuel of the future would come from renewable resources like ethyl alcohol.  Both Henry Ford and Rudolf Diesel designed their vehicles to be powered by plant-based fuels.

C
So what happened?

B
In the 1930s, Ford grew industrial hemp on his properties to demonstrate the efficiency of methanol production, specifically to power his cars.

A
(curious)
You can make methanol from hemp?

B
Yeeeees!  It’s amazing how far a little enlightenment can get you, huh?  Hemp can be used to make plastic, rayon, and cellophane, too.  All biodegradable.

C
Okay, so if the godfather of the automotive industry believed in and proved the viability of hemp as a renewable resource, how did we wind up as nation of oil-hogs?

B
What happened was a well-orchestrated public relations campaign.  It all comes down to money, and the powers-that-be knew that there was more money to be had in oil.  Through strategic campaigns, hemp was associated with marijuana and marijuana was painted as the worst drug the world has ever seen.  When congress outlawed hemp in 1937, that gave the oil industry all the power it need to hold the world the hostage.

A
Yeah, I’m still skeptical.

B
It’s simply a matter of good business: big oil needed to make it’s primary competition look bad so it could sell more product.  And they did.  They had to fight dirty because hemp practically founded the nation!  In colonial America, hemp was so crucial that cultivation was mandated by law.  The US Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, even Old Glory herself were all made from hemp!

A
Okay, fine, but hemp can’t possibly replace wood products.

B
There’s that sheeple mentality again.

A
Hey, I’m trying, here!

B
Hemp fiberboard is stronger than wood.  Hemp houses are as strong as cement houses AND are better insulated.

C
And what about the paper?

B
Hemp paper will last up to 1500 years and hemp cloth is stronger than cotton.  More interesting, hemp can be grown without pesticides--cotton, on the other hand, requires more pesticides than any other agricultural product.

D
Oh, wonderful!  Yet another pot-smoking hippie trying to skirt the laws of the land!

A
(reading from computer screen)
It says here’s that hemp really can be used for anything that’s made from oil or wood.  It’s on wikipedia.

C
I have to say, this is pretty convincing.

D
Oh, get your head out of your asses!  There’s a reason hemp is illegal!

B
(sing-song)
And the sheeple goes “baa-baa”!

D
Hey!  I’m no sheeple.  I’m a person of action.  Like the oil spill in the Gulf?  I’m TOTALLY boycotting BP right now.

A
(dawning realization)
Oh my god .... that does sound retarded.  I WAS a sheeple!

D
Boycotting BP is the ONLY way to ensure that an oil spill like this never happens again!

C
Well ...

A
(surprised at self)
No!  The only way to ensure that it never happens again is if we stop using oil all together!  Oh my god ...

B
Well, I think my work here is done.
(signs off)

D
There’s no way to stop using oil!  Oil is like the life-blood of the earth.  We need it to survive.

C
Hey, have you ever heard about this conspiracy during the 1930s to eradicate hemp?

D
What?

A
Oh-hoh ...

END
 
Written by Jordan Krumbine

CHARACTERS
A - Male. Panicked, fears he’s being fired for a video he posted online
B - Male. Best friend, not worried, offers the first amendment counter-point.  More pressed about going out that weekend to meet some women.
C - As square and bland as imaginable.  Hate’s music.
D - Never goes out to bars because of a funky pooping schedule.


B
Saturday’s no good.  So we’ve gotta go either Friday or Sunday night.  And if we go Sunday night, we’ll just be miserable Monday morning.

A
Oh, god, I don’t want to talk about Monday morning.

C
What’s wrong with Monday morning?

A
I don’t walk to talk about it.

C
Why not?

B
Because he doesn’t want to talk about it and frankly, neither do I.  So is Friday night good for everyone?

D
Where are we going again?

B
There’s a new bar that just opened downtown.

D
What time?

B
What do you mean what time?  It’s gonna be late.

D
(hesitant)
I don’t know ...

C
Do you think there’s going to be music?  Like loud music?

B
It’s a bar, of course there’s going to be music.

C
Ehhh, I don’t know about that.

D
(rolls eyes)
Not this again ....

B
What?

C
This whole music thing ...

B
What the hell are you talking about?

C
I don’t really like music anymore.

D
Hates music, all of a sudden.

B
What, like country?

C
Pretty much all of it.

B
ALL music?

C
I really can’t stand it.

D
This is so ridiculous.

B
How can you not like music?

C
(shrugs)
I don’t know, I just don’t.

A
I think I’m getting fired.  Yeah, I definitely think I’m getting fired.

B
(flat, has already said this a dozen times)
You’re not getting fired.

D
Who’s getting fired?

B
No one’s getting fired.

A
I’M getting fired.  I’m totally getting fired.

C
Is this why we’re not talking about Monday morning?

B
Just drop it, okay?

D
Why are you getting fired?

B
I just said to drop it!

C
You can’t get fired, that would be very, very bad.

A
I KNOW!

B
Oh my god, what part of “drop it” do you people not understand?!

A
(on the verge of panic now)
I’m gonna go into work Monday morning and I’m gonna get fired.  I’ll walk in the door and BAM--fired.  I’m not gonna have a job come Monday morning.

B
C’mon, dude, this is ridiculous.

D
As ridiculous as not liking music?

C
Whatever.  You’re the one who doesn’t want to go out in fear of having to poop in a public toilet.

D
No, I don’t FEAR public toilets.  I just CAN’T, you know, go there.

C
You can go at McDonalds.

D
Yes, McDonalds and Target.  Those are the only places where I can use the toilet.

C
Because you’re afraid to poop elsewhere.

D
YOU HATE MUSIC!

A
Guys, I’m losing my job!!!

B
You’re not losing your job!

A
You don’t know that.  You DO NOT know that!

C
What happened?

B
(giving up)
You’re not gonna drop it.

A
You know the video I posted last week? C About the cubicle zombies?

D
(grinning)
That was a funny video.  Seriously.  Hilarious.

A
Well, some of it might have been, um, inspired by my actual office.

B
Dude, you can’t get fired for that!

A
There’s already been rumblings!

B
I don’t care if there’s been an earthquake!  You can’t get fired for that!

C
I don’t know.  I mean, the video was funny, but I can see how it might piss people off.

B
You fictionalized the entire office!  It’s about zombies for crying out loud!

A
And they’re gonna fire me.  They are totally firing me.  I KNOW it.

B
They can’t fire you over a video on YouTube.  It’s a First Amendment issue.  It would never happen!

D
Freedom of speech.  You know, as much as I’d like to punch someone in the face for proclaiming that they don’t like any music at all, legally I can’t do that.

C
I can’t help that I don’t like music!

D
What do you listen to in the car?

C
I don’t listen to anything!

D
How can you NOT like music?!

C
Look, I think you’re missing the bigger point.

D
I doubt that.

C
He just said zombies are protected under the First Amendment.

B
I didn’t mean it like THAT.  And look, even if they DID fire you--

A
So you admit that they can!

B
Of course not!  But if for some reason they DID, you would sue them on the grounds of violation of your freedom of speech and you’d win so fast your head would spin!

A
I could sue them if they fired me, couldn’t I.

B
If they fired you over the cubicle zombie video, yeah.

D
Hey, I just thought of something.

C
You need to poop?

D
No--

C
Are you sure?

D
Yes--well ... no.  How cool would it be to get fired over a zombie video?

C
Like, hey, what did you get fired for?

D
Embezzlement.  You?

C
I posted a zombie video on youtube.

D
Harsh.

C
Totally.

B
You don’t have anything to worry about because nothing’s gonna happen.

A
My boss is a real dick, though.

B
I know, but he can’t fire you over a youtube video.

A
What about the rumblings?

B
They’re just blowing smoke trying to scare you.

A
(thoughtful)
My boss does like to make himself look more powerful than he really is.

B
(shrugs)
What boss doesn’t?

C
I once had a boss so power-crazy, everyone around the office called him a mini-Hitler.

D
Cause he kept everyone under his thumb?

C
No, because he was power-crazy and kind of short.  

D
Ah.

A
(panicked again)
Oh god.

B
What now?

A
Uh, well, are you sure I can’t get fired for posting a video on youtube?

B
Positive.  It won’t happen.

A
Okay, uh ... what if I peed on my boss’s desk?

B
WHAT?!

C
What did you say?

D
(laughing)
You peed on his desk?!

A
I thought I was gonna get fired!  I panicked!

C
I’ve heard of accidentally peeing when you’re panicked, but not on someone’s desk.

D
Yeah, I definitely couldn’t do that.

B
You peed on his desk?

A
(nods)
After work on Friday.  With all the rumbling about the video, I thought for sure I was gonna get fired!

B
You should have left it with the cubicle zombies ....

A
Peeing on your boss’s desk isn’t covered under the First Amendment, is it?

C
Technically, it IS freedom of expression.

B
You’re gonna need a very creative lawyer.

A
Oh, god, I am so screwed ...

END