Written by Jordan Krumbine

CHARACTERS:
A
B
C
BILLO (this one is for Billo, so it's not really up for grabs.  Sorry.)

A
Have you heard about Billo?

B
How do you mean?

A
Um, I mean have you heard about Billo?

B
(confused)
Who's Billo?

A
(equally confused by the line of questions)
Who's Billo?

B
Seriously, we're gonna go back and forth like this?

A
(innocent)
Back and forth like what?!

B
(with a different, exaggerated inflection for each "Who's Billo?")
"Who's Billo?"; "Who's Billo?!"; "WHO'S Billo?"
(back to normal; irritated)
I'm dead serious, I've got things to do and simply I cannot do this.

A
(disappointed)
But we were just getting started ...

B
Yeah, I know, but there's this book reading happening in about 20 minutes--

C
(excited; intrigued)
Oooh, you're going to a book reading?

B
(awkward)
Um, well, technically ... yes.

C
(overly enthusiastic; be creative)
How exciting!  What book?

B
(hesitant)
What ... book?

A
(irritated)
"What book"?!  You just said that you didn't want to make with the back and forth!

B
I don't want to!  It's Twilight and it isn't so much that I'm going to the reading as it is that I'm crashing it.

C
(really confused)
You're crashing a reading of the Twilight novel?  That's the one with the vampires and junk, right?
(mystified)
Why?

B
(ready to go)
I've already got the lighter fluid and matches packed up.

A
(impressed)
You're taking this book-reading crashing pretty seriously.

B
I like to think of myself as the Savior of Sanity when it comes to cheeky vampire novels.

A
Fair enough.  But you haven't answered my question yet.

B
(confused)
You had a question?

A
(exasperated)
Yes!  Have you heard about Billo?

B
Who's Billo?

C
(wide-eyed)
I'm getting a strange sense of deja vu.

A
Billo is the person in the middle of having some seriously off-the-chart menstrual cramps.

B
... really?

C
... um

A
It's practically inconceivable.  The levels of prostaglandins in Billo's system is practically unheard of.

B
What the hell are prostaglandin-whats?

C
Isn't Billo a dude?

A
What?

C
Billo is a guy.  How is he having menstrual cramps?

A
Um ... well ... that would be the impressive thing, wouldn't it?

B
You have no idea what you're talking about right now, do you?

A
No, no-no, no--the whole prostaglandins thing is real.

B
(dismissive)
You made that up.

C
Billo is a guy!  He has a penis!  Men don't have menstrual cycles!

A
Hmph.  Tell that to my boyfriend [or brother, depending on if A is a guy or girl!]

B
This whole thing about Billo ... you don't even know who Billo is.  This has been a complete waste of time.

A
I wouldn't say it's been a COMPLETE waste of time--

B
There is no other word as remotely definitive as "complete" to describe how utterly pointless this entire conversation has been.

A
(quiet, meek)
See, now you're just being mean.

B
I'm sorry, but I have a book reading to be at.

C
Hey--burn a copy of Twilight for me!

B
Sure, no problem.  Later.

B clicks off.

A
....

C
.... you really have no idea who Billo is, do you?

A
You know, I don't really feel like talking about this right now.

BILLO
(angry, threatening)
Good, because I don't much feel talking myself, either.
(cracks knuckles, big and exaggerated-like)

C
(overly enthusiastic again)
Oh, hey Billo!

A
(worried)
... Billo?

BILLO
You think the ladies have it bad when they've got elevated levels of prostaglandins?
(dramatic pause)
Wait til I get through with you.

A
... uh ...

END





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