Written by Jordan Krumbine

CHARACTERS:
A
C
D
BILLO

A
(clears throat; dramatic)
... I summon thee!

C
(confused)
...

D
(confused)
...

C
You summon who?

D
(still confused)
Thee?

C
Who's thee?

D
What's thee?

A
"Thee" is Billo.  I'm summoning Billo--that's who I'm summoning.

D
(hesitant, confused)
... I dunno if you can do that ...

C
(indignant)
No, you can't.  You can't summon a person like that.  And you certainly can't summon Billo.

D
I don't think you can summon ANYONE.  That's just not right.

C
It's really not.  It's wrong.  Very wrong.

A
Listen, I hear what you're saying--I really do.  But there's a fundamental flaw in your reasoning here.


A fundamental flaw?

D
(incredulous)
I think not!

C
How could our reasoning POSSIBLY be flawed?

A
It's flawed because I already summoned him.

BILLO
(flat)
Yo.

C
Billo!

D
Hey!  How ya doing, buddy?

BILLO
To be honest?  Not very good.  I kinda hate being summoned.

C
I know.  I mean, everyone hates being summoned.

D
It's a shame that SOME PEOPLE aren't more sensitive to that fact.

A
You're talking about me, aren't you?  I know you're talking about me.

BILLO
(weary)
Look, what do you want from me?

A
What do I want--how, uh, how are you doing?  How was your weekend?

BILLO
(knowing, but still weary)
Okay, what did you hear?

A
(hiding guilt)
Hear?  I didn't hear anything.  Why would I have heard something?  Is there something to hear?  I don't know what you're talking about.

D
What's going on?

C
Did something happen?

D
I hate it when people don't tell me things!

C
I feel so uninformed!

BILLO
Okay, enough!  You guys are a bunch of melodramatic princesses, for crying out loud.
(swallows)
This past weekend ... I might have stated ... in a perhaps unnecessarily public manner ... that I wanted to find a friend.

A
(quickly)
Or two.

BILLO
(weary again)
Or two.

A
(eager)
Billo has had it pretty rough lately and he needs a couple of good friends to help take his mind off things.

C
That's why you summoned him?  To make friends with him?

D
Why do you need friends?  Don't you already have friends?

BILLO
It's kind of complicated.

A
(still unreasonably eager)
Billo rents half a duplex and the landlord lives in the other half.  The landlord is ALWAYS around and is a LITTLE on the weird side.  The guy's got a big dog, has filled the backyard with weird-looking gardens, and Billo can constantly hear the guy through the walls.  Oh, did you ever figure out what kind of video he was making?

BILLO
(quietly worried)
... how do you know all this?

A
... I pay very close attention to your Facebook status updates?

C
People are posting entirely too much information online these days.

D
Tell me about it.  I just tweeted about the poo a took this morning.  I know it's not right, but it just felt so good.

C
I'm not sure I want to talk with you anymore.

A
So the other part of Billo's problem was that he spent the other weekend trying to avoid his friend's brother's heist of the freshly baked cupcakes from the neighbor's window sill.  Billo ended up hiding in a bathroom and drawing suicidal stick figures in the mirror with violet-scented hand soap.

C
(worried)
....

D
(worried)
...

BILLO
... you kinda scare me, you know that?

A
(eager, pouring out)
I can be such a good friend--the best friend you've ever had--you just need to give me a chance and I swear I will rock your world in a totally platonic, friendly kind of way.

BILLO
... yeah, okay, you REALLY scare me.

END





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