Written by Benzone50

Characters 
A = Male
B =  Female
C = Male or female
D = Male or female



A
(wishy-washy)
Anyway I don’t know whether I should get it lanced off or not.

B
(appalled)
Whoa, whoa, whoa!  No.  Do not even GO there.  You don't want to be messing around with blades and stuff …. not down THERE.

C
Not down where?

A
Oh, come on!  You said it was just the two of us here!

B
Uh, no -- no I didn't.

A
(annoyed, almost yelling)
I said I had something VERY personal I wanted to tell you about and then explicitly asked if there was anyone else in the chat room with us and you said NO.

B
… oh.  Well, okay, yes, I did say that.  But that was then.  Someone else showed up.

A
(incredulous)
"Showed up"?!

B
(shrugs)
Showed up.  It happens.

C
(confused)
I'm sorry, but you shouldn't mess around with blades down WHERE?

B
Okay, look, it's really nothing.  He just has a thing in a, uh, awkward spot.

C
An awkward spot?

A
(angry)
This is the last time I ever confide in you.  About ANYTHING.

B
(mock exaggerated)
Oh, storm in a tea cup!

C
(dawning realization)
Wait a minute, are you talking about genital warts?  Is that what you're talking about?

A
What?!  No, of course not!  No, that's not even in the ball park!

B
(calming)
Come on now, seriously, this is NOT that big of a deal.
(change of tone)
And it kind of is in the ball park.

A
(exasperated)
It's nowhere near the ball park!

D
Ah this sounds like a righteously big deal. Count me in.

A
Oh for crying out loud!  Another one?!

B
Well, it's definitely a game now.  Maybe we should sell tickets.

A
This is ridiculous!  I will not let my thing become a source of entertainment for you people.

C
Your thing?

D
(grinning)
You're talking about your penis, aren't you?

B
Face facts, man: it's already a source of entertainment.  Just come out with it already.

A
No!

B
Okay, guys, so the thing is, he's just a little sensitive about--

A
(interrupts)
Uh-uh!  No, no!  Don't you DARE say it!

B
(annoyed at being interrupted)
… a PERSONAL problem.

D
You know, I wasn't going to say anything, but one ear does look lower than the other.

B
Huh.  Now that you mention it …

C
I never noticed that before, but I think you're right.

A
(covering both ears, self-conscious)
Oh, come on!  My ears are fine!

B
Hey, you know what, if you can hear out of them, then yes.  Of course they're fine.  Anything else is just aesthetics.

C
On the other hand, it does give him a unique look.  Kinda neat if you think about it.

D
No, sorry, but there's nothing "neat" about uneven ears.  Unless you're part of a circus freak show.

A
Oh, my god!  This was a private conversation!  A PRIVATE conversation!  And now you have to go after my ears?

D
Were your ears not the ball park?

B
Oh, no.  The ball park was lower.  Much lower.

D
(confused)
His foot?

B
A little higher.

A
(pained)
Oh, please stop.  You have no idea how embarrassing this is.  This thing is very personal and might even need to get it lanced--

C
Wait … lanced and a little higher than your foot?

D
You ARE talking about your penis!

B
Come on!  Just spill the beans already!

A
No, I will not!  It’s a matter of principle now.

B
Principle! My principle concern right now is to put these guys out of their misery and fill them in.  You know what?  Nevermind.  He’s got a freckle on his penis.

A
Oh come on! Isn’t nothing sacred anymore?

D
A freckle on your penis?

C
Is that all?

B
He's kind of a drama queen, isn't he?

D
Oh, hell no.  Dude you need to get that checked out before its too late and they have to cut out a whole chunk  of your member.  That is some serious stuff right there.

B
(grinning)
No, no, I'm sure it's only tiny matter.

A
(clears throat, surprised)
Excuse me?

C
(chuckles)
A tiny matter?  For a tiny member?

D
(serious)
Look, you might have melanoma on your wing wang. Have a doctor look at it. 
 
A
(worried)
A mela what?

B
Don't worry, I’m sure the doctor has seen a million wing wangs before.

C
And tally-wackers and beanpoles and bavarian beefsticks.

B
Dangly McDangles and bong-dong-a-dongs.

C
Him-hangs, hang-lo's, and fallopian fiddlers.

A
(sarcastic laugh)

D
I'm serious about the melanoma.  It's a form of cancer that begins in melanocytes.

A
Smaller words please?

B
Wait a minute, I got this. Cells that make the pigment melanin.

D
And it may begin in a mole or other pigmented tissues of your body, like your eyes even.

A
(sarcastic)
Oh, wow, thanks guys.  You're a real fountain of knowledge.  Makes me forget all about my worries.

B
See, aren't you glad you finally shared with everyone?

A
No, as a matter of fact!  And I wouldn't have been put in this situation if YOU had a discretionary bone in your body.  No, I'm not doing this -- I'm gonna go call my doctor.

D
Hey, make sure you ask him about your ears too.

A
(covers ears and worried again)
Oh, come on!
(turns off cam)

D
I was totally messing with him.  He's ears are fine.

B
Yeah, his ears might be fine, but his head is definitely a little messed up.  The freckle on his penis?  I drew it on there with a magic marker.

C
Nice one.  Are you gonna tell him?

B
Maybe after he pays me the twenty dollars he owes me.

D
You're kind of evil, aren't you?

B
I like to think of myself as entrepreneurial.

D
(nods)
Okay.  I can see that.  Oh, by the way, I've been meaning to ask: that spot on your nose, have you had it checked out yet?

B
(worried and panicked)
What?!

D
Anyway gotta go! 

D turns off cam.

B
Oh man, whats my doctors number?!

B signs off.

C
…. guys?  Hello?  I didn't get to ask you about this blister on my pinky ...

END



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