Written by Jordan Krumbine

CHARACTERS

A -- Male
B
C


A
So, yeah, after the roommates bitched and moaned for two days straight, I finally baked the fucking cake.  And then the fuckers never ate it.  The cake sat on the counter for two weeks, and there were a total of two pieces eaten from it.  I live with a bunch of ungrateful bastards.

C
Oh, I don't know.  Maybe they just didn't like the cake you made.

A
They bought the mix!

C
Okay, then maybe they were just fucking with you?

B
I dunno, Pants, if you got that wound up over baking a cake, maybe you deserve it.

A
No, don't even suggest--

C
(interrupting)
Wait a second.  Hold on.  Stop.

A
What?

B
What's wrong?

C
What did you just call him?

A
Who?

B
When?

C
Did you just call him PANTS?

A
Oh, god ...

B
Why yes, actually.  Yes, I did.

C
Is that like a nickname I don't know about?

B
(grinning)
Yes.

A
No.

B
It's a nickname so awesome, that it actually rewrote the scale of awesomeness for nicknames.

A
Come on, now!

C
There's an awesome scale for nicknames?

B
See, traditionally it's 1 through 10, 1 being the lamest nickname ever and 10 being the best.  The Pants nickname is so good, it actually rates as a 13 on the awesome scale.

C
13 is a pretty good nickname.

A
So then I ended up throwing the whole damn cake away.  It was stale and gross and I totally laid into my roommates for making me bake it--

C
Dude.  We're not talking about that anymore.

A
(sighing, disappointed)
I know.

B
So do you want to tell the story or should I?

A
I'd rather it not be told at all.

C
Dude, I gotta hear the story.

B
We gotta tell the story!

A
I don't want to tell the story!

B
Fine, then I'll tell it.  About a year ago now, Pants here took a weekend vacation with a girl that he was hopelessly stuck in the friend-zone with

C
What was her name?

B
Her name?

C
What was it?

B
What does it matter?

C
(shrugs)
I like details.

A
Her name was Lacey.

C
Lacey?

A
Yeah.

C
Sounds like a porno name.  Was she in porn?

A
(angry)
No, she was not in porn!

C
Still sounds like a porno name.  I don't think I've ever heard of someone named Lacey who WASN'T in porn.

B
Anyway, after tearing it up all night, and Pants completely resigning himself to never getting anywhere with the girl, they returned to the hotel room that they were sharing.

A
(explaining)
It was cheaper to stay in one room for the night, but then they screwed up and gave us a room with one bed instead of two.

B
And being the ball-less gentleman that he his, Pants said he'd just sleep on the couch but this girl--drunk, flirty, and hot as hell--she says that two friends can share a bed for one night.

C
(grinning)
Uh-oh!

A
We really don't need to get into this.

C
We're already into this.

B
So in this drunken haze, he climbs into bed and Lacey, who's already under the sheets, she is completely buck-ass naked.  She rolls over, moans something incoherent, and reaches down to genius boy's crotch, only to find out that he's still wearing his goddamned pants.

A
(clarifying)
I was climbing into bed with the love of my life and with whom I knew nothing could ever happen.  Yes, I kept my pants on as a precautionary measure so that she wasn't, you know, poked.

B
And Lacey feels the pants, jumps to the conclusion that Pants was never interested in the first place, and then rolls over and passes out.

C
Are you serious?!  You finally had an opportunity to get out of the friend-zone with this girl and you blew because you wore your pants to bed??  Who the hell wears pants to bed?!

A
It was a precautionary measure!

B
And thus the nickname ... Pants!

C
(grinning)
Okay, so I gotta know, Pants, what do you do when a beautiful woman throws herself at you wearing only a red bow?  Throw on a snow suit?

B
Well, he would have to in order to warm up those cold, blue balls.

A
This nickname is never going away, is it?

B
Of course not, Pants.

C
It's definitely here to stay.  Pants.  Pants-pants.

A
(sighs)
....

END



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