Story by Benzone50
Written by Benzone50 and Jordan Krumbine

Characters:
A -- Female
B
C
D -- Male

TITLES

A
I have to do it.

B
Seriously? Why?

A
Because I have to. There are things a person has to do when they find themselves in a situation like this, and I am honor-bound to do them.

B
Honor-bound?

A
Honor-bound.

C
Who's honor-bound?

A
I am.

C
Why?

B
Don't ask.

A
I'm honor-bound because there are things a person has to do in a situation like this, and I have to do them.

C
What?

B
(shakes head)
You shouldn't have asked.

C
What situation?

B
She's breaking up with her boyfriend.

C
Excuse me?

A
It's sad but true. I am honor-bound to--

B
Okay, stop it with the honor business! Honor has nothing to do with why you're breaking up with him!

A
It has everything to do with why I'm breaking up with him!

B
You're breaking up with him because he clears his throat loudly. What does that have to do with honor?

A
I am honor-bound to not be with someone who clears their throat like he does!

B
Oh, my god … you don't even know what honor-bound means!

C
You're breaking up with him because he clears his throat loudly?

A
He clears his throat VERY loudly. It's totally disgusting. It sounds like an elephant choking on its own vomit.

C
Well that's a little harsh, don't you think?

A
No, in fact, it's not harsh enough. Try being in the same room with him while he's clearing his throat. It's like a garbage compactor on overdrive, crushing rusted-out aluminum cans in an echoey alley-way.
(emotional)
I deserve better.

B
I've met him before. Even I think he's hot.

C
Really?

B
He's like a prime slab of man-meat drizzled with man-tastic man-sauce.

C
… okay, that sounded really weird.

B
Maybe, but I'm okay with that.

A
Listen, guys, you gotta help me here. How do I break it to him?

C
Excuse me?

B
You haven't told him yet?!

A
Of course I haven't told him!

B
Why on earth are you talking to us about this before him?

A
Uh, hello, cause I need your advice.

C
You want us to help you break up with your boyfriend because he clears his throat?

A
Loudly. He clears it very loudly. And yes, I want your help.

B
This is ridiculous.

C
Well, maybe not entirely. Look, if she hasn't dumped him yet, maybe we can talk her out of it.

A
Honor-bound remember?

B
(mocking)
Remember??

C
Okay, how about this: give us an example of how he clears his throat so that we know what we're talking about.

B
Yeah, that's not a bad idea. This way we can tell if it's a dumpable offense or not.

A
You want an example of how he clears his throat?

C
If you wouldn't mind.

A
(clears throat as if shifting a truck load of phlegm. Long, hard, and over done.)

B
….

C
…. oh.

B
Wow.

A
I know! Right?!

B
(shakes head)
Sounds like a cry for help, to me.

A
(incredulous)
A cry for help??

B
Yeah. It sounds like the whole throat clearing is just his way of asserting his dominance. A textbook case of an inferiority complex, really.

C
Nah, my money is on lactose intolerance. Sounds like a severe build up of phlegm as a reaction to the dairy products he eats.

A
Really, if it was either one of those things, does it matter? I am honor-bound not to be in a relationship with a loud throat-clearer!

B
Oh my GOD!!! Honor has nothing to do with this!!!

D
Do with what?

A
(dramatic change)
Baby! I wasn't expecting to see you!

C
He doesn't look that hot.

B
Oh, it's the lighting. Trust me. He's hotter than a threesome with Ryan Reynolds, Johnny Depp, and Hugh Jackman.

C
Dude, you have issues.

B
Don't judge me.

A
How did it go at the doctors?

D
(sighs)
Apparently I'm lactose intolerant. I've gotta lay off the dairy.

C
NAILED IT! Can you feel that?! That is honor-bound righteousness RIGHT THERE.

D
Baby, what is he talking about?

A
Uh, nothing.

B
She's honor-bound to break up with you because of how you clear your throat. We were of the belief that the throat clearing might be indicative of some underlying issue--

C
And I said it was lactose intolerance. I SO nailed it.

D
(shattered)
You're breaking up with me? Because of how I clear my throat?

A
I'm sorry, but I'm honor-bound.

D
What does that even MEAN?! I have a legitimate medical condition!

C
Annnnnd, I'm out. Have fun with this, guys.
(signs off)

B
Yeah, I think I'm honor-bound to take my leave as well.
(signs off)

D
I'm just so confused …

A
Don't worry, baby, it was mostly inevitable.

D
Inevitable?

A
You wanna get a pizza or something?

D
You're breaking up with me!

A
Is that a no?

D
And pizza has cheese on it!

A
So?

D
So I'm lactose intolerant!

A
… so?

D
…. yeah, okay, we really shouldn't do this. Let's break up.

END



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