Written by Chris LeBrane

Cast:
Sam
Ben
Jordan
Chris
Billo
THG


SAM
Hey Chris!  How are you doing?  Or as you always say, "How goes it?"

CHRIS
(sighs; sad)
Okay, I guess. Just chilling. 

BEN
(concerned)
Well, hey now! You aren't you normal gregarious self...that's a bit odd, don't you think?

CHRIS
I'm fine, guys. Fine. Totally fine. 

SAM
Look, Chris, I know this is all new to you and junk, but we'd all like to think that we're your friends, too. You can talk to us. 

THG
(snarky, peeved)
Speak for yourself, Sam.

SAM
I'm sorry, come again?

THG
I...The Hairy Geek...hold a grudge

Chris rolls his eyes.

BEN
A grudge? Why do you hold a grudge?

CHRIS
(slightly annoyed)
He holds a grudge because of those comments I made about his hair. He's just all salty about some good-natured joshing.

BEN
Well, what did you say that was so bad?

CHRIS
Hardly anything.

THG
(incensed)
Well, I beg to differ.

CUT TO: quick montage of clips from Webcams #3. 

CHRIS
See? Hardly worth the fuss?

BEN
(looking a bit concerned)
Well, I dunno ..... I can kind of see how that might be s bit of a problem. 

CHRIS
(unbelievingly)
A bit of a problem?!

SAM
Hey, I was there and all I'm saying is this: I get the grudge. But that's not what's bothering you, Chris, so what gives? 

CHRIS
Well ... fine. See, ever since I started participating in these chats, there's really only been one person I've wanted to get it on with.

SAM
Who's that?

CHRIS
The man himself .... Krumbine. 

SAM
Ahhhh.

BEN
You know, you raise a good point. Krumbine has taken a bit of a backseat ever since all this began. 

SAM
You could even say that he's been conspicuously absent. 

CHRIS
Last time me and him even chatted, he was getting worked up over that Kindman character copying all his work. 

SAM
Well, I suppose if it bothers you that much, you could always just summon him.

BEN
True. Berto summoned Billo just by saying "Billo, I summon thee!" and then he--

Billo clicks on. 

BILLO
... yo. 

BEN
Oh, sorry buddy! I didn't actually mean to summon you. Kinda just doing a tutorial. 

BILLO
(growing more annoyed)
.... yeah, I hate you guys. 

Billo clicks off. 

SAM
Well .... that didn't go very well, did it?

CHRIS
I just wish Krumbine would sign on one of these days so that I could chat with him. 

BEN
Kind of man-crushing on Krumbine, aren't you?

CHRIS
No! No, of course not. Not really. 

SAM
You're totally man-crushing on him. You're like Turk to Krumbine's JD. 

CHRIS
Look, call it whatever you want, but I've known the guy since '06. We used to work together. And as a matter of fact, Krumbine's the one who got me into all of this creative stuff in the first place. 

BEN
That much I can appreciate. But even if Krumbine isn't here, at least you're not alone.

THG
True. And just because I want to fight you doesn't mean I'm not here. Krumbine can't say that. 

CHRIS
Yeah, I guess you're right. 

Krumbine scoots in next to Sam.  

KRUMBINE
Hey guys.

CHRIS
JORDAN!!!!

THG
Krumbine!  What is up, my friend?

BEN
How's it going man?

SAM
Oh, why don't you all kiss his ass a little more, huh? You people act like he's the fucking godfather of the webcam or some bullshit like that. 

Krumbine shrugs. 

CHRIS
Sam, you're a beautiful woman, but you just don't get it. 

SAM
*I* don't get it? Are you serious?

KRUMBINE
Yeah, I don't think you get it, either. 

SAM
Fuck you, Krumbine. 

CHRIS
You're too close to him! You get to see this beautiful man every single day. The rest of us? Put it this way: when Krumbine does decide to step in front of the camera, it's like a gift from the mother fucking god's above. 

Krumbine is choked up.  Sam looks at him. 

SAM
Oh, shut up. 

BEN
It's a good thing you showed up when you did, Krumbine. Chris here was starting to behave more erratically than a teenage girl being denied Twilight tickets. 

CHRIS
Oh, whatever! I had a perfectly legitimate reason. 

SAM
Yeah, you were totally man-crushing over him. Hard. 

BEN
He really was, Krumbine.  He was going on and on about how you guys worked together and all this other stuff.

KRUMBINE
Well, you know, when the man is right, the man is right. 
(Krumbine smiles and offers a small wave)
Hey, buddy. 

CHRIS
(slowly smiles)
...uh...Hey dude.

KRUMBINE
(kinda sing songy...a little sarcastic)
So .... did you miss me? Your white booties?

CHRIS
(smile fades into slight anger)
Oh you motherfucker...

BEN
White booties?

SAM
What the hell are you talking about?

KRUMBINE
When Chris and I used to work together, he would always go on and on about his precious white booties that he wears on stage with his band. 

THG
(snickering)
White booties .... that's a pretty interesting outfit choice there, Chris

Chris grumbles. 

KRUMBINE
So how are those white booties, buddy? White with extra bootie?

SAM
This is embarrassing ....

CHRIS
Goddamn it Krumbine!  They aren't booties! They're boots--white BOOTS. White FUCKING boots. 

KRUMBINE
Okay, calm down. That's what I said. White booties. 

CHRIS
(gritted teeth)
Remind me to kick your ass next time I see you.

SAM
Ooh, that's good. Anything that results in physical violence against Krumbine, I will get behind. 

KRUMBINE
(taken aback)
What?!

Sam slaps Krumbine upside his head. 

KRUMBINE
Hey!

SAM
(grins)
See?

THG
That was awesome! Do it again?

KRUMBINE
No!

SAM
Hey, Chris?

CHRIS
(disgruntled)
What?

SAM
Will you be wearing your white booties when you kick Krumbine's ass?

Chris
OH!  YOU got jokes too?

BEN
For a guy that wears white booties, you get really angry. 

CHRIS
(counts with his fingers)
Just keeping tabs of all the ass I'm gonna have to thrash.

THG
(laughing)
And YOU... you're the one who made fun of MY hair. Ahh .... This is priceless!

CHRIS
Ok!!
(picks up a boot)
Check it out!  Giorgio Brutini, cuban heels, white zip ups...BOOTS!!
This isn't an Ugg or some sort of sock.  It's a friggin dress boot!

KRUMBINE
....looks like a white bootie to me.

SAM
I actually would begrudgingly agree. 

BEN
Same here. White booties all the way. 

THG
(laughing and pointing)
You wear booties!

CHRIS
(slaps hands together)
Ok!  That's it!  Krumbine...I challenge you to a motherfucking breakdance fight!

KRUMBINE
(confused)
Really?

SAM
What the hell is a breakdance fight?

CHRIS
Ever seen Breakin'? It's easy.  Me and Krumbine will meet up, break out a flat six by six piece of linoleum, a ghetto blaster and an Afrika Bambattaa cassette and MAKE THIS SHIT HAPPEN!!

Krumbine chuckles. 

CHRIS
(seriously angry)
OH!  This shit is happening....yeah!

THG
(slowly, putting head in hands)
Oh...my...word....This is...once again...Dar--

CHRIS
(cutting THG off)
Darwinism at work?  Yea...I'm breakdance fighting you too!!!

THG
Me?  What did I do?

CHRIS
(looking down,showing off some moves)
You pissed off a guy that can throw down on the mat!

THG
(incredulous)
You talked crap about me first!!!

CHRIS
We are SOOO not talking about me right now.  What we are talking about
is me breakdance fighting that ASS! (point) You and Krumbine!

THG
Uh-uh..  Florida I can understand...but you are gonna travel all the
way to the UK just to (does air quotations) breakdance fight me?

CHRIS
My commitment is that deep

Billo signs back in.

BILLO
(chuckling)
.....white booties.

CHRIS
(slowly)
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!

BILLO
(kinda bored)
Is that what I was supposed to say, Krumbine?

BEN
Krumbine!  Did you just tell Billo do to say that?? 

KRUMBINE
(laughing)
Guilty as charged! Was that awesome or what? Oscar moment for me!

BEN
Too funny...too too funny!

SAM
(to Krumbine)
You are so lame. 

CHRIS
(annoyed)
Ok...that's fine...adding another to the list!  BillO, I will fucking break--

BILLO
(stern)
I fucking dare you, Prostaglandins-boy.

CHRIS
(looking threatened)
...um....

BILLO
Oh, yeah. Shit just got REAL.

END



Leave a Reply.