Written by Jordan Krumbine

CHARACTERS:
A
B
C

A
It's been four months. 

B
Four months?

A
Four months.

C
Well, that doesn't seem so bad. 

B
Yeah, I know some people who've been unemployed for over two years. 

C
(shrugs)
It's the economic climate. Not much you can do about it, you know?

A
Yeah, and that's what's driving me crazy. There's nothing I can do about. I'm completely powerless to do anything right now. After putting in no less than 37 applications, the only callback I got was from Walmart.

B
Oh, so you did get an offer.

C
Walmart blows. 

A
I know!

B
Hey, a job is a job. 

A
The job that I applied for was in the electronics department. 

C
That's not what they called you for?

A
Third shift cashier. 

B
Ah, third shift. The people of the night.

A
I have a college degree. That's just embarrassing.  

C
I worked nights before. It wasn't bad. 

B
(squinting)
You don't look like a vampire. 

A
And I'm pretty sure all the people working nights at Walmart are definitely vampires. Have you ever been there in the middle of the night? Those people are freaking creepy. 

C
Okay, you know what? Stop. Just stop. 

B
What's the matter?

C
It just occurred to be that comparing people who work at night to vampires was really unfair. 

A
Unfair to whom?

B
To the vampires?

C
To the people! I mean, if you're gonna compare someone to a mythological creature, at least do the person the courtesy of using something a little more realistic than a vampire. 

B
Wait, you're saying vampires aren't realistic?

C
In a word, yes. And lame, too. 

A
You know, I kinda have to agree. Vampires ARE lame. I don't think they've ever been cool. 

B
Of course vampires are cool. Vampires by definition are cool!

C
Yes, but the entire premise of vampires -- cool or otherwise -- has been built upon the most hole-riddled foundation found in any form of mythology. 

B
(nods)
The mirror conundrum. 

A
What?!

C
Exactly. Every time a vampire is portrayed, he's made out to be a dark, brooding, and downright sexy beast of a man. I mean, vampire. Guy.

B
Yeah, point being, vampires always look good. Never a blemish, perfect hair. The works. 

A
So?

C
So, vampires can't see themselves in mirrors. How can they possible fix their hair?

B
And what about bedhead? Is a natural immunity to bedhead part of a vampire's special abilities?  You have never seen a vampire with bedhead!

A
Okay, maybe they just style each others hair. You ever think about that?

C
(sarcastic)
Oh, yeah. Big bad vamps get together every evening to do each others hair and critique their outfits. 

B
Vampires are so gay. 

C
Except for all the ones that are having sex with the human ladies. 

A
Great, now you're gonna try and convince me that vampires can't have sex. 

C
Dude! Vampires are DEAD. They don't have beating hearts.

A
So?!

B
So they're physically incapable of getting a boner. No blood flow down there. 

C
It's totally impossible. 

A
Huh. You know, that actually makes sense. 

B
You know what else makes sense in the sense that it doesn't?

A
(confused)
What?

C
(also confused)
Huh?

B
Poop. 

A
Poop?

B
Vampires can't poop. 

A
See, now you're just being ridiculous. 

C
Wait a minute ....

B
Vampires only drink blood. I can see that they pee a lot, but they can't poop! Nowhere in all of existence, real or otherwise, does something not poop. And that is why vampires are the lamest mythological creature EVER. 

C
(thoughtful
The vampire defecation unified theory if lameness. 

A
On second thought ....

B
Yes?

A
I think I will take that job at Walmart. 

C
Why the change of heart?

A
Even working with a bunch of poop-challenged vampires is better than getting sucked into your idiotic conversations. 

B
Hey! Well, yeah, that's fair. 

END 



Leave a Reply.