Written by Jordan Krumbine

CHARACTERS
A - male
B - male
C - female
D - female

A
Very simply, all women are lesbians.

B
What?

C
Lesbians?

D
Hey!

C
Um, that's a little offensive.

B
Offensive?

A
Which part?

C
The part about all women being lesbians!

B
Really?

A
Nah, I don't think so.

D
No, it's offensive.  Very offensive.

C
What the hell are you talking about?

D
I'm talking about it being an offensive statement.

C
I'm the lesbian!  I'm the one offended by it.

D
Uh, last time I checked, I'm still a woman.  And I'm allowed to be offended by anything I want.

C
See?  See?!  This is what happens!

B
Hey.

A
Yeah?

B
This is SO awesome!

C
Homosexuality has gone so mainstream that you straight people are flat-out stealing it from us!

D
Oh, that is ridiculous.  I'm not stealing anything.

C
You're stealing my opportunity and reasons for being offended!

D
There's no reason why we can't both be offended!

C
Yes, yes there is.  I'm gay AND YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS.

B
Is there anything in your all-women-are-lesbians theory that states all women are crazy?

A
You need a theory to figure that one out?

B
Point.

D
You know what?  Fine.  I don't want to be lumped into the same category as you anyhow.

C
EXCUSE ME?  Lumped into the same category?!

D
Oh, I didn't mean it to sound like that!

C
Well just how homophobic did you mean it to sound?!

A
Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to be able to explain my theory?

B
I'm listening to you.

C
You don't know the first thing about being a lesbian!

A
Who, me?!

C
No, her!

D
You don't know the first thing about being a WOMAN!

A
Me?

D
HER!

C
Oh, you did NOT just go there!

A
LADIES!

B
If this were a movie, they'd start losing their clothes in a fight right now.  And then they'd start kissing.

A
Because all women are lesbians.

B
Even the straight ones.

C
Okay, I've had just about enough of you assholes.

B
What did we do?

C
What did you NOT do??  You're completely trivializing the significance of being homosexual!

D
No, they've trivialized the significance of being straight.

C
Oh, you really need to shut up now.

A
Hey, buddy.

B
Yes?

A
Would you have sex with me?

B
What?!  No!

A
Cause you're a man.

B
Cause I'm straight.  Like an arrow.  Or something ... else ... that's straight.

A
But what if I were a woman?  A really hot woman?

B
If you were a woman?

A
Would you have sex with me?

B
Totally.

A
And if you were a woman, would you have sex with the hot female version of me?

B
Um ...

A
You WOULD, because male or female, you can't deny the attractiveness of the female form!  Therefore, all women are lesbians!

D
Hey.

C
What?

D
Let's call a truce.

C
So we can kick his ass?

D
You got it.

A
Um ...

B
Run, Forrest, Run!

END



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