story by
JORDAN KRUMBINE
MATTHEW HOROWITZ

written by
JORDAN KRUMBINE

A - male, awkward, stumbles over his words a bit
B - aggressive
C - deadpan character


TITLES

B
I don't believe you.

A
What do you mean?

B
I mean I don't believe you.

A
How can you not believe me?  What's there not to believe?

B
What's there not to believe?  Well, for starters, you having a girlfriend is pretty unbelievable.

C
For starters?

B
For starters.

A
(exasperated)
I have a girlfriend!

C
What else is so unbelievable?

B
No, the whole thing about him having a girlfriend was pretty much it.

C
Yeah, but you said for starters.  That implies there was something else.

B
Are you REALLY gonna go all OCD on my choice of words when Captain Awkward-Face himself is claiming he has an actual girlfriend?! 

A
Hey--

C
(shrugs)
I just think you should be a little more precise with your language.

A
Awkward-Face?  What is that supposed to mean?

B
This is so ridiculous!  Only YOU would want to obsess over the idiotic minutiae of conversational banter!

C
I'm sorry, but I don't believe in conversational banter minutiae.  I do, however, believe that you exhibit some classic signs of conversational retardation.

B
Conversational retardation?!

A
This whole Awkward-Face nickname isn't a thing, is it?  I mean, it's not gonna stick, right?

C
The very fact that you think that conversational banter can be minute and insignificant is self-indicative of some form of retardation.

B
You are by far the most conversationally anal-rentative person I know.

C
And while you may have said that in the spirit of hostility, I will accept it as a compliment and wear the label with pride.

A
Guys, this whole Captain Awkward-Face thing is really bothering me, okay?  I mean, I've never really had a nickname before and I don't like the idea of this being my first.

B
... what the hell are you talking about?

A
You ... called me Captain Awkward-Face.

B
Dude, that was like nine hours ago.  We're way past that.  You need to convince me of this whole girlfriend thing.  Do you have pictures?

A
Uhh--

C
Why do you need to be convinced?  If he says he has a girlfriend, he has a girlfriend.

B
No-no.  The last time he said he had a girlfriend, she turned out to be a inflatable porpoise pool toy.

C
Ah, right-right.  I remember that.

A
Guys--

C
Didn't he accidentally pop the porpoise?

B
(sincere)
That was a sad day.

A
Can we not talk --

C
Where did you meet her?

A
Wha--I'm sorry?

C
You've seen her, right?  Your girlfriend.  You know what she looks like?

A
Yes!  I mean, of course.

B
So where did you meet her?

A
Where did I-- ?

C
You didn't meet her at a bar, did you?

B
I'm just gonna come right out and say it: bars are a terrible place to meet women.

C
Bars are great place to meet women.

B
Have you ever met a woman at bar?

C
Well, no--

B
Because bars are a terrible place to meet women!

C
Yes, but statistically, women, like men, are at bars to meet people, so one can infer--

B
Okay, you're boring the hell out of me.  Captain: what's her name?

A
Me?

B
Her name.  What is it?

A
Uh, Peg.  Her name is Peg.

B
Peg?

A
Peg.

C
(confused)
Her name is Peg?

A
(slow, nods)
Peg ... is her name.

B
Is that an odd name to you?

C
It's a little odd.

B
Where did you meet her again?

C
What does she do?

A
Peg?

B
She's your girlfriend, right?

A
Yeah, I mean--

B
Then you know what she does for a living.

A
Well, she's kind of disabled, so--

B
Wait-wait-wait.  Disabled?

C
"Kind of"?

A
(getting very flustered)
Well, uh, yeah, she only has one leg.

C
Excuse me?

B
She only has ONE leg?!  And her name is Peg?  This is a joke, right?!  This girl doesn't really exist!

A
Yes she does!  We just went out last night!

C
You know, this is so odd, it might actually be true.

B
Hang on a sec--you said her name was Peg?

A
She's a really great lady--

B
And she only has one leg?

A
She's very kind and considerate.

B
How well do you know this woman?

C
What are you getting at?

B
I think I know who his girlfriend is.

A
You know my girlfriend?

B
I think so.

C
There's no way you can know his girlfriend.  That's not possible.

B
Look up Peggy McLeggy on google.

A
Hey, how did you know--

C
Her last name is McLeggy?
(off the search results)
Oh, my ...

B
(grins)
Yeah, you see it?

A
Guys--

C
I don't believe this.

B
I'm telling you, that's her.

C
Captain Awkward-Face is dating a one-legged porn star named Peg.  Ooh, she has a wikipedia page.

A
(exasperated)
She's not a pornstar!

B
(shrugs)
Adult film actress, whatever.

A
Sh-she doesn't do that kind of stuff!  She's a nice woman!

B
Hey, no arguments from me.  I've seen her work a few times and that whole one-legged thing is a lot more handy than you can imagine.  She is a VERY nice woman.

A
See, that's just not--

C
(reading the wiki entry)
According to this, she lost her leg as an infant.  She was being bathed in a sink when the garbage disposal was accidentally activated.

B
You know, I've always wondered about that ...

A
(thoughtful)
....  she did tell me that she lost her leg when she was a baby ...

C
(still reading)
Aside from the one leg, Peg McLeggy is easily identifiable by her triple e bust size and by the large mole on the back of her neck.

A
Oh my god, she does have a mole on her neck!

C
(to camera)
Triple E?

B
(defensive)
There's no such thing as too big!

A
I can't believe I'm dating a pornstar!

B
Adult film actress.

A
Well, she can never meet my mom.

B
Cause that is definitely your most pressing problem in all of this.

C
(continuing to read the article)
Some of her more popular films include "Run, Florence, Run", "One Leg in Bangcock", and "Lean on Me".

A
(repulsed)
Oh my god!  I've seen that one!

B
(smug)
I've seen it like fifty times.

C
Wait, you've seen one of her movies and you still didn't recognize her?!

A
I was a little pre-occupied with the whole single leg thing!

B
Don't worry, I'd be pre-occupied with that, too.  I'm just saying, the angles and the things you could do--

C
It says here that she has a collection of dildo-shaped canes that she has custom made for both walking and, uh, well, you know ...

B
(awed)
I'm pretty sure that is the most awesome thing I've ever heard.

A
Guys, what am I gonna do?!

B
What do you mean what are you gonna do?  You ACTUALLY have a girlfriend.

C
A famous one, at that.

A
Yeah, but I can't date a pornstar!

B
Adult film actress.

A
I can't date that either!

C
Why not?  Your only other option is an inflatable porpoise.

B
And we've already seen how that story ends.  On the other hand, how about this: you give me Peg's number and I'll buy you another porpoise.

C
Oh, hey, she's got a new movie coming out.  She's playing the one-legged scarecrow in a Wizard of Oz remake.

B
Really?

C
There's a trailer and an mp3 of her song "If I only Had a Leg".

B
Send me that link!

A
(mourning)
Oh, god ...

END



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