Written by Jordan Krumbine

CHARACTERS
A - Male. Panicked, fears he’s being fired for a video he posted online
B - Male. Best friend, not worried, offers the first amendment counter-point.  More pressed about going out that weekend to meet some women.
C - As square and bland as imaginable.  Hate’s music.
D - Never goes out to bars because of a funky pooping schedule.


B
Saturday’s no good.  So we’ve gotta go either Friday or Sunday night.  And if we go Sunday night, we’ll just be miserable Monday morning.

A
Oh, god, I don’t want to talk about Monday morning.

C
What’s wrong with Monday morning?

A
I don’t walk to talk about it.

C
Why not?

B
Because he doesn’t want to talk about it and frankly, neither do I.  So is Friday night good for everyone?

D
Where are we going again?

B
There’s a new bar that just opened downtown.

D
What time?

B
What do you mean what time?  It’s gonna be late.

D
(hesitant)
I don’t know ...

C
Do you think there’s going to be music?  Like loud music?

B
It’s a bar, of course there’s going to be music.

C
Ehhh, I don’t know about that.

D
(rolls eyes)
Not this again ....

B
What?

C
This whole music thing ...

B
What the hell are you talking about?

C
I don’t really like music anymore.

D
Hates music, all of a sudden.

B
What, like country?

C
Pretty much all of it.

B
ALL music?

C
I really can’t stand it.

D
This is so ridiculous.

B
How can you not like music?

C
(shrugs)
I don’t know, I just don’t.

A
I think I’m getting fired.  Yeah, I definitely think I’m getting fired.

B
(flat, has already said this a dozen times)
You’re not getting fired.

D
Who’s getting fired?

B
No one’s getting fired.

A
I’M getting fired.  I’m totally getting fired.

C
Is this why we’re not talking about Monday morning?

B
Just drop it, okay?

D
Why are you getting fired?

B
I just said to drop it!

C
You can’t get fired, that would be very, very bad.

A
I KNOW!

B
Oh my god, what part of “drop it” do you people not understand?!

A
(on the verge of panic now)
I’m gonna go into work Monday morning and I’m gonna get fired.  I’ll walk in the door and BAM--fired.  I’m not gonna have a job come Monday morning.

B
C’mon, dude, this is ridiculous.

D
As ridiculous as not liking music?

C
Whatever.  You’re the one who doesn’t want to go out in fear of having to poop in a public toilet.

D
No, I don’t FEAR public toilets.  I just CAN’T, you know, go there.

C
You can go at McDonalds.

D
Yes, McDonalds and Target.  Those are the only places where I can use the toilet.

C
Because you’re afraid to poop elsewhere.

D
YOU HATE MUSIC!

A
Guys, I’m losing my job!!!

B
You’re not losing your job!

A
You don’t know that.  You DO NOT know that!

C
What happened?

B
(giving up)
You’re not gonna drop it.

A
You know the video I posted last week? C About the cubicle zombies?

D
(grinning)
That was a funny video.  Seriously.  Hilarious.

A
Well, some of it might have been, um, inspired by my actual office.

B
Dude, you can’t get fired for that!

A
There’s already been rumblings!

B
I don’t care if there’s been an earthquake!  You can’t get fired for that!

C
I don’t know.  I mean, the video was funny, but I can see how it might piss people off.

B
You fictionalized the entire office!  It’s about zombies for crying out loud!

A
And they’re gonna fire me.  They are totally firing me.  I KNOW it.

B
They can’t fire you over a video on YouTube.  It’s a First Amendment issue.  It would never happen!

D
Freedom of speech.  You know, as much as I’d like to punch someone in the face for proclaiming that they don’t like any music at all, legally I can’t do that.

C
I can’t help that I don’t like music!

D
What do you listen to in the car?

C
I don’t listen to anything!

D
How can you NOT like music?!

C
Look, I think you’re missing the bigger point.

D
I doubt that.

C
He just said zombies are protected under the First Amendment.

B
I didn’t mean it like THAT.  And look, even if they DID fire you--

A
So you admit that they can!

B
Of course not!  But if for some reason they DID, you would sue them on the grounds of violation of your freedom of speech and you’d win so fast your head would spin!

A
I could sue them if they fired me, couldn’t I.

B
If they fired you over the cubicle zombie video, yeah.

D
Hey, I just thought of something.

C
You need to poop?

D
No--

C
Are you sure?

D
Yes--well ... no.  How cool would it be to get fired over a zombie video?

C
Like, hey, what did you get fired for?

D
Embezzlement.  You?

C
I posted a zombie video on youtube.

D
Harsh.

C
Totally.

B
You don’t have anything to worry about because nothing’s gonna happen.

A
My boss is a real dick, though.

B
I know, but he can’t fire you over a youtube video.

A
What about the rumblings?

B
They’re just blowing smoke trying to scare you.

A
(thoughtful)
My boss does like to make himself look more powerful than he really is.

B
(shrugs)
What boss doesn’t?

C
I once had a boss so power-crazy, everyone around the office called him a mini-Hitler.

D
Cause he kept everyone under his thumb?

C
No, because he was power-crazy and kind of short.  

D
Ah.

A
(panicked again)
Oh god.

B
What now?

A
Uh, well, are you sure I can’t get fired for posting a video on youtube?

B
Positive.  It won’t happen.

A
Okay, uh ... what if I peed on my boss’s desk?

B
WHAT?!

C
What did you say?

D
(laughing)
You peed on his desk?!

A
I thought I was gonna get fired!  I panicked!

C
I’ve heard of accidentally peeing when you’re panicked, but not on someone’s desk.

D
Yeah, I definitely couldn’t do that.

B
You peed on his desk?

A
(nods)
After work on Friday.  With all the rumbling about the video, I thought for sure I was gonna get fired!

B
You should have left it with the cubicle zombies ....

A
Peeing on your boss’s desk isn’t covered under the First Amendment, is it?

C
Technically, it IS freedom of expression.

B
You’re gonna need a very creative lawyer.

A
Oh, god, I am so screwed ...

END



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