Story by:
Benzone50

Script by:
Benzone50
Jordan Krumbine

Characters
A = a dense ignoramus
B = the enlightened champion of hemp
C = open-minded, but dubious.
D = a denser ignoramus


A
(resolute)
I’m telling you, this disaster in the Gulf of Mexico is BEYOND inexcusable!  And as stewards of this planet, we are OBLIGATED to boycott BP!

B
(rubs forehead) Like I haven’t heard this a thousand times already.  Look--say you boycott BP.

A
I will!

B
Fine.  Assuming you do and assuming you stop buying BP’s gasoline, tell me what you think that’s going to do.

A
What it’s going to do?  I’ll tell you what it’s going to do.  It’s gonna send a MESSAGE, that’s what it’s gonna do.

B
If you want to send a message, write a letter.

A
(smarmy)
A letter’s not gonna stop oil spills like the one in the Gulf!

B
But not buying gas from BP will?  For the love of mother earth, herself--do you REALLY think that the demand for crude oil will simply evaporate because a handful of people decide to boycott BP?!

A
The message it will send will be decisive.  We will not tolerate such egregious disregard for the aquatic ecosystem!

B
You know, you make me want to ram an ice pick through my skull just so I don’t have to endure the insufferable and incoherent ramblings of you and your kind.

A
(offended)
My KIND?!

C
Well, now, that seemed like a little much.

A
I am VERY offended here!

B
Of course you are!  You can’t help but be offended what with that goddammed sheeple mentality of yours.

C
(confused)
Wait, sheeple?

A
(really offended)
Oh, you have got a lot of nerve--

B
(irritated)
Ahh, cool your jets, hotshot.  

C
What do you mean about his kind?  And what’s a sheeple?

B
(brushing off)
You don’t want to know.

C
I’m asking you.

B
(definitively)
You don’t want to know.

C
I just said I want to know!

B
You don’t want to know because you can’t wrap your head around it!  Even if I tell you, you won’t understand, and in the end we both will have wasted our time!

C
Be that as it may ... I still wanna know.

A
What are you talking about?!

B
Alright.  Fine.  You wanna boycott BP in order to send a message, right?

A
Right.

B
And the message is that you’re concerned, right?

A
Right.

C
Concerned about what?

A
I’m concerned about all the oil being spilled in the Gulf of Mexico!

B
And I’M concerned about people like you complaining about things they don’t understand!

A
Don’t understand??  Millions of gallons of oil are spilling into the Gulf!  What’s not to understand?!

C
It does seem pretty straightforward.

B
Look, the only thing straightforward is how all you sheeple love to jump on the complaint wagon without ever offering any intelligent and educated solutions of your own.  As a matter of fact, all of your incessant whining is just about as big a crisis as the oil spill in the first place.

C
(disbelief)
As big a crisis?  You’re crazy!

B
Crazy??  Or am I the only sane person in the room?!  Sure, it might not impact the environment as directly, but the ineptitude and sheer stupidity rates pretty fucking high on my crisis scale!

A
I can’t even talk to you right now.

C
You’re a little abrasive, you know?

B
(shrugs)
I’m a victim of a broken society.

A
The wildlife in the Gulf of Mexico are the REAL victims!

B
See--SEE--that’s irony!

A
(agast)
Irony?!

C
What the HELL are you talking about?!

B
In order to see the poor animals affected by the oil spill, you have to be able to see past the oil itself!  Don’t you SEE?  This isn’t BP’s fault--it’s YOURS.

A
WHAT?!  This is not my fault!  I was nowhere near the Gulf of Mexico!

B
You don’t have to be near the tragedy in order to contribute to it.

C
(thinking)
You’re talking in a global-sense, aren’t you?

A
(determined)
We have to boycott BP because BP is the problem!

B
NO!  The problem isn’t BP and it isn’t that BP is responsible for an accidental oil spill!  The problem is that we--as a global society--are so goddammed dependent on oil in the first place!

A
Yeah, well, I’m dependent on oxygen, too.  You wanna make something of THAT?!

B
SEE!  Sheeple!

C
Again with the sheeple!  I wish you’d stop it with that!

B
I’ll stop it when this brainless dipwad starts using their head!

A
(enraged)
I’m sitting right here!

B
Oh, you caught that?  I didn’t think you’d understand me, you know, since I was TALKING.

C
Look, I agree!  I think people have an overwhelming tendency to be stupid, but you can’t counter their points with belligerence!

B
And yet I have no other way to reach them unless I belligerently beat it through their dense skulls!

C
Okay, how about, this--let me try something.

B
Whatever!

A
What are you going doing?

C
Will you promise not to be so dense for five minutes?

A
I’m not being dense!

C
C’mon!

A
(resigns)
Fine ...

C
There, see?

B
Okay, look, it all boils down to this: as human beings, we simply DON’T HAVE TO BE reliant on a single resource.  There are alternatives to oil that can be just as beneficial and will give back to the earth as much as it gives to us.

C
So you mean like electricity?  There was an electric car.

B
No!  Oil can even be found in electricity.  As a matter of fact, in New York, oil still fuels about 8 percent of the state’s electricity.

A
Obviously, we need oil to survive, which means we have to drill for it.

B
No, we DON’T and if more people understood this, we could turn oil drilling into the archaic practice that it really is.

C
Okay, if not oil, than what?

B
You’re not going to like it.

C
For crying out loud!

B
Industrial grade hemp.

C
(quieted)
....

A
(confused)
....

B
I told you, you weren’t going to like it.

C
Weed?

A
And I’m the crazy one??  You’re just a dope-smoking hippie who wants another reason to grow weed!

B
This is what I’ve been saying: I can’t talk to people like this.

C
Alright, alright ... let’s give him a chance to speak his mind.

A
He’s probably high right now!!!

B
See, that’s where you are so blindly wrong!  If I were smoking industrial grade hemp, I wouldn’t be high.  I’d have a pretty bad headache, but I wouldn’t be high.  In fact, the only thing I’d be doing is wasting a valuable resource.

A
Yeah, a valuable resource to get you high!

B
(frustrated)
OH MY GOD!!!

C
Explain this to me: how can hemp possibly be an alternative to crude oil?  That doesn’t make sense.

B
It makes perfect sense when you understand all the products that oil is used to make.  In fact, hemp can be used as an alternative not only for products made from oil, but wood, too.  Industrial grade hemp has the potential to make oil dependency completely obsolete!

A
(smarmy)
HEMP is still marijuana and MARIJUANA is still illegal.

B
(rolling eyes) Industrial grade hemp is NOT marijuana.  It’s been associated with marijuana because it’s from the same family of plant and because certain people have taken a few extraneous liberties with the facts on this matter.

C
(chuckling)
Wait a minute, so you’re saying--

B
I’m saying that back in the 1930’s, there was a intricate and far-reaching conspiracy to eradicate industrial grade hemp.  All in the name of the mighty dollar.

A
Yeah, you’re definitely high.

B
You can’t get high off industrial grade hemp!

A
(aggressive)
Than what’s YOUR excuse???

B
(ticking off facts)
1925: Henry Ford tells a New York Times reporter that the fuel of the future would come from renewable resources like ethyl alcohol.  Both Henry Ford and Rudolf Diesel designed their vehicles to be powered by plant-based fuels.

C
So what happened?

B
In the 1930s, Ford grew industrial hemp on his properties to demonstrate the efficiency of methanol production, specifically to power his cars.

A
(curious)
You can make methanol from hemp?

B
Yeeeees!  It’s amazing how far a little enlightenment can get you, huh?  Hemp can be used to make plastic, rayon, and cellophane, too.  All biodegradable.

C
Okay, so if the godfather of the automotive industry believed in and proved the viability of hemp as a renewable resource, how did we wind up as nation of oil-hogs?

B
What happened was a well-orchestrated public relations campaign.  It all comes down to money, and the powers-that-be knew that there was more money to be had in oil.  Through strategic campaigns, hemp was associated with marijuana and marijuana was painted as the worst drug the world has ever seen.  When congress outlawed hemp in 1937, that gave the oil industry all the power it need to hold the world the hostage.

A
Yeah, I’m still skeptical.

B
It’s simply a matter of good business: big oil needed to make it’s primary competition look bad so it could sell more product.  And they did.  They had to fight dirty because hemp practically founded the nation!  In colonial America, hemp was so crucial that cultivation was mandated by law.  The US Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, even Old Glory herself were all made from hemp!

A
Okay, fine, but hemp can’t possibly replace wood products.

B
There’s that sheeple mentality again.

A
Hey, I’m trying, here!

B
Hemp fiberboard is stronger than wood.  Hemp houses are as strong as cement houses AND are better insulated.

C
And what about the paper?

B
Hemp paper will last up to 1500 years and hemp cloth is stronger than cotton.  More interesting, hemp can be grown without pesticides--cotton, on the other hand, requires more pesticides than any other agricultural product.

D
Oh, wonderful!  Yet another pot-smoking hippie trying to skirt the laws of the land!

A
(reading from computer screen)
It says here’s that hemp really can be used for anything that’s made from oil or wood.  It’s on wikipedia.

C
I have to say, this is pretty convincing.

D
Oh, get your head out of your asses!  There’s a reason hemp is illegal!

B
(sing-song)
And the sheeple goes “baa-baa”!

D
Hey!  I’m no sheeple.  I’m a person of action.  Like the oil spill in the Gulf?  I’m TOTALLY boycotting BP right now.

A
(dawning realization)
Oh my god .... that does sound retarded.  I WAS a sheeple!

D
Boycotting BP is the ONLY way to ensure that an oil spill like this never happens again!

C
Well ...

A
(surprised at self)
No!  The only way to ensure that it never happens again is if we stop using oil all together!  Oh my god ...

B
Well, I think my work here is done.
(signs off)

D
There’s no way to stop using oil!  Oil is like the life-blood of the earth.  We need it to survive.

C
Hey, have you ever heard about this conspiracy during the 1930s to eradicate hemp?

D
What?

A
Oh-hoh ...

END



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