Written by Eric Morrison

A (male) neurotic and emotional
B (male) self involved and even more neurotic
C (female) innocent,chipper and heartspoken

TITLES

A
And there I was: lying naked and guilt-ridden and I just felt so goddamned terrible.

B
(typing away and disinterested)
Uh-huh.

A
It just felt wrong, you know? Like I was cheating on her.

B
For sure

A
So…well I…uh, well I started to cry.

B
(still typing away)
Awesome.

A
… are you even listening to me?

B
No.

A
What!? Here I am just pouring my heart and soul out to you about my first sexual experience since my ex-wife and you’re not even listening to me?!

B
Yeaaaaah … no.

A
What the hell!? I just told you something of the utmost personal importance and you’re not even listening!? I cried during SEX for God sakes! How is that not interesting?
(to himself)
I cried during sex.

B
(stops typing; flat)
Hey, wow, you never told me you were a hermaphrodite.

A
Hermaphrodite--what the hell are you talking about?!

B
Well considering the only other kind of people I know to have cried before, during or after sex are women then consequently it must mean that you bear something that resembles a vagina somewhere next to your weenis.

A
You know what … never mind.  Just never mind. What are you doing anyway? What’s so important for you--

B
(matter of fact)
I kinda get turned on when women cry.

A
What, like during sex?

B
No … well yeah but mostly I mean at any given moment. I don’t know … there’s just something so raw and pure about the emotion of sadness. It’s such a rich, powerful emotion.  Gives me a chubby.

A
You must have a hard time at funerals. 

B
Oh, I do my best to steer clear of any public place or events that involves intense sadness.  I consider it my own personal cross to bear.  Much like your hermaphrodicitic weeping during sex.

A
Whenever I think you can’ t get any stranger you blow my mind. So what ARE you doing?

B
Well, my friend, in the spirit of generosity and as an attempt to alleviate a little creative pressure from our good friend Krumby, I am writing an episode of Webcams.

C
YOU’RE WRITING AN EPISODE OF WEBCAMS!?

Both A and B jump frightened

A
Jeez, can you let us know when you join the chat, please?

B
Yeah, that would be nice.

C
(giggling)
Sorry. Writing an episode of Cams? That is SO cool!

B
Yup.

A
Umm … how long have you been here exactly.

C
Just clicked on. Nice to see you too, you meanie.

A
Sorry I was just wondering--

C
So what’s it going to be about?

B
(drawing it out, hesitant to say)
Well … I dunno--

C
Pleaaaase. Oh pretty please tell us!

B
Alright. It’s called Urine my Urinal. Characters A and B are giving character C a hard time because he can’t pee in a urinal. I’m thinking it should be purrrettty hilarious.

A
Is this umm, inspired from actual events at all?

B
Well, yeah, it is actually.

C
(curious)
So you can’t pee at a urinal? Ever?

B
Well no.

A
(amused)
That’s a little weird. Ever?

B
No. I always take a stall. For both onsies and twosies.

A
….

C


B


A
So ... why?

B
(shrugs)
Dunno.  Just can’t.  I’ve gone into a empty public bathroom, got in front of a urinal and began to pee and then the moment the door creaks open the floodgates just cut off.

C
So you CAN pee though. 

B
Yes.

A
(thinking)
… just not in anyones presence. Hmmmm.

C
So what did you do?

B
What did I do?
(shrugs)
I stood there.

A
Stood there?

C
Stood there?

B
(embarrassed)
Yes, I stood there.

C
You just stood there? With your, uh, willy out?  Just standing at the urinal?

A
You never cease to amaze me.

B
That’s not the worst part. After the first guy, even more people kept coming in, one after the other, so I couldn’t even bring myself to move.

A
What do you mean? You just stood there the whole time pretending to pee?!

C
Oh my god…

B
Well, I just froze. One guy came over and just struck up a conversation like I was his best pal and we where sitting at the bar.  So I just … froze, you know.

A
Hmm, urinal conversations. I’m not to partial to those either.  I’ve seen worse though: some guy takes the urinal next to mine and just lets one rip like he was all alone.  Just rips it big time. That was kinda weird but you don’t see me getting all weird about it.

C
How long did you just stand there with your Johnson in the wind anyway?

B
That’s not important.

A
Come on buddy, we won’t judge you. How long?

B
That doesn’t--

C
(concerned)
Oh my god, how long?

A
How long buddy? Howlonghowlonghowlo-

B
15 MINUTES OK!! 

A
(breaks out laughing)
Hahaha..15..hahahah…your such a freak.

B
Hey! I’m not the one who bawls like a baby during sex!!!

C
You cry during sex?

A
No, no, no noo! We are going way off subject here!

C
(earnestly)
I just don’t know who to feel sorry for now.

A
We where talking about how he stood there airing out his tube snake for 15 minutes, remember?

C
You poor thing. You really should see someone about that … it’s just not healthy.

B
Hey! What’s not healthy about it, huh? Have you ever peed in a urinal before!?

C
Well, no--

B
That’s right you haven’t! How would you like it if I went into the ladies room and tore out every wall between the stalls, huh!? Just one big open room full of toilets for every one to take a big community pee together, huh!? You wouldn’t feel the least bit self conscious at all sitting next to your boss or your mother-in-law taking a pee?

C
I…wow…I never though of it that way.

B
Yeah, damn straight.  Now if you’ll excuse me--

A
Dude, where are you going?

B
(suddenly worried) I gotta pee.

END



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