Written by Jordan Krumbine

A - male, the artist
B - obsessed with the lack of innovation in the toilet paper industry
C - female, overly sympathetic, supportive to a fault


COLD OPEN

B
I'm just saying, I've given this a lot of thought. 

A
Congratulations?

B
I'm serious!

A
Fine, good for you.

B
I just think that within the realm of innovation, this single product is seriously lacking.

A
And this is what you've given a lot of thought to?

B
Yes, that's right. 

A
Can I tell you something?

B
Sure. 

A
I have no idea what you're talking about. 

B
I'm talking about innovation!

A
I thought you were talking about a lack of innovation?

B
Well, yeah, but it still falls under the topical umbrella of innovation.  

A
The topical umbrella of innovation?

B
That's right. 

A
Can I tell you something else?

B
Yeah, sure.

A
I still have no idea what you're talking about.

TITLES

B
Toilet paper. 

A
Toilet paper?

B
(shrugs)
Toilet paper. That's what I'm talking about. 

A
You're actually talking about toilet paper?

B
That's right. 

A
Why?

B
Because of the innovation!

A
You mean the lack of innovation?

B
Exactly!

C
Did you say something about toilet paper?

A
Oh, please don't encourage this.

C
Why not?

A
(emotional)
Because of all the things that should be encouraged in a person’s life, an obsession about the lack of innovation in toilet paper, frankly, is embarrassing.

B
Uh-oh.

C
This doesn't sound good. 

B
This doesn't sound like we're talking about toilet paper anymore. 

C
And considering you guys, that's actually surprising. 

B
Hey!

C
I call it like I see it. 

B
(quick to give up)
Eh, that's fair. 

A
(depressed)
She said it was cute. 

C
Cute?

B
Oh, no ...

C
Who's she?

A
After spending three weeks producing that music video, she finally watches it and calls it 'cute'. 

B
Ouch. 

C
(pressing)
Who's she??

B
The chick he wants to bang. 

A
Hey, come on, man!

B
Well, it's true!

C
So she's not your girlfriend?

A
No.  And now that she thinks my video is cute, I'll never get to call her my girlfriend. 

C
I don't understand. What's so bad about her saying the video was cute?

B
Really??

A
What, are you serious?

B
What's so bad about 'cute'?!

A
(serious)
Have you ever made a movie before?

C
Well, sure I record vlogs all the time--

B
(laughs)
Vlogs!

A
No-no, I'm not talking about some lame, ill-prepared chat with your webcam. I'm talking about a MOVIE. A work of art. Something you pour your heart and soul into. 

B
He's very serious about his art. 

A
I am!

C
I can tell. 

A
It's a serious thing! 

C
Sure. 

A
And, hell, if I don't take it seriously, who else will?

B
Certainly not the girl you want to bone. 

A
Come on!

C
So calling your "movie" cute is bad, right?

B
(explaining)
It's pretty much dismissing any and all creative and technical merits of the production, thereby negating all the work that was put into it. 

A
It freaking sucks!

C
Well, what was your movie about?

A
It was a music video. It was about a zombie puppet trying to find his one true love. 

C
A zombie puppet.

A
Here, I'll send you the link. 

C
Oh.

B
Cute sucks, dude. 

A
Cute blows.

B
Calling something cute is like a person has injected zero innovation into their powers of critical thinking. 

A
You are ABSOLUTELY right.

B
Just like toilet paper. 

A
(angry)
Goddammit!!!

C
Oh, yeah, I saw this one. 

A
You did?  You never left a comment. 

C
Well, I--

A
What did you think of it? I told you it took me three weeks from start to finish to produce it, right?

B
Yes, you already said that. 

A
It's important to know, is all.

B
Not really.

A
Okay, never mind, then. So what did you think of it?

C
Well ...

A
...

B
...
(smiles, then giggles)

C
I thought it was definitely, uh ...

A
....

C
(pained)
.... cute.

A
(looks like he got punched in the gut)

END



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