Written by Jordan Krumbine

CHARACTERS
A - the Christian
B - the bitter atheist
C - the “alternative”

A
(sighs)
I’m so happy.

B
Oh, shut it.

A
Your seemingly endless depths of negativity no longer have any effect on me.

B
I doubt that.

A
It’s true.

B
No it isn’t.

A
Are you contradicting me just for the hell of contradicting me?

B
As a matter of fact, yes.

A
(befuddled)
Why would you do something like that?!

B
Because I have no freaking idea what you’re talking about and I figure if I fake it long enough, eventually I’ll find something to be pissed about.

A
(chuckling)
Well, you’re going to be faking it for a long a time, for I have found my true light.

B
Excuse me?

A
I’ve found Jesus.

B
Come again?

A
I have Jesus in my heart.

B
Well that didn’t take long at all.

A
For me to find Jesus?

B
For me to find something to be pissed about.

TITLES

A
Don’t trample all over my faith!

B
Why the hell not?  You trampled all over my intelligence just by proclaiming your love for Jesus!

A
There is NOTHING wrong with believing.

B
Yes there is!

A
See, you’re just contradicting me again!

B
I believe in pizza.

A
What?

B
I believe in pizza.  I have faith in pizza.  I pray that every time I eat pizza, it makes me happy.  And it does.  It’s practically a religious experience.  A religiously pizza experience.

A
Now you’re just mocking me.

B
Yes.

A
I KNEW it!

B
Oh, you know nothing!

A
I know I’m going to heaven while your sorry ass burns in hell for all of eternity.

B
What, is that it?

A
Yeah, that’s it.

B
No, I mean, is that why you suddenly found Jesus?

A
How do you mean?

B
You’re all of a sudden high-and-mighty in the faith because you’re afraid of going to hell?

A
That’s not the ONLY reason.

B
There is literally no intellectual basis for any kind of religion--

A
It’s not about about intelligence!

B
...

A
...

B
... seriously?  You just said that?

A
(grumbles)
Well, it’s NOT.

B
You don’t have to tell me twice.

A
Knowing I’m going to heaven makes me feel good.

B
Going to the restroom makes me feel good, but you don’t see me worshipping the toilet.

A
You’re comparing Jesus to a toilet?  You’re going to hell.

B
Why are you so obsessed with a post-mortal existence?  It doesn’t make any sense!  You and all the other Jesus-freaks spend so much time worrying about what happens after you die that you completely squander the time that you have alive!

A
JESUS is the answer!

B
NOBODY ASKED A QUESTION!

A
There’s just no talking to you, then.

B
Oh, that’s hilarious, because I was just going to say the same about you.

A
I’m still happy.

B
Yeah, well, you’re still stupid.

A
It’s not about intelligence.

B
You said that already, much to my delight.

A
You’re still going to hell.

B
I have slightly more important things to worry about.

A
More important than your immortal soul?

B
My left nut is more important than my immortal soul.

C
Hey guys, I have big news!

A
Ooh, me too!

B
Oh, god ...

C
I am officially a Scientologist.  I’m like Tom Cruise.  How fucking cool is that?!

B
...

A
...

B
... so, uh, what were you saying about it having nothing to do with intelligence?


END



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