story by:
BENZONE50

written by
BENZONE50
KRUMBINE

CAST:
Obsquatch
Tripp
Krumbine

TITLES

O
OK Captain at the OK Corral!

T
Holy Jesus, Son of God!  What's up, Obsy?

O
When are we blessing the green pastures with some more of our awesome circle work?

K
Circle work?

O
Holy crap-faced, shit-eating, turd monster!  This is just like that shit that's not butter!

K
Butter?

T
I think he means I can't believe it's not butter.

O
I can't believe it's Krumbine!

T
You mean, you can't believe it's NOT Krumbine.  But it is.

O
(sighs)
Yeah, that one fell apart on me.  Sorry.

K
Yeah, uh, Captain of Verbosity and his Sidekick of Eloquence ... can we get back to the circles?

T
Wait, who's supposed to be Verbosity?

O
Hey, I'm no fucking sidekick.

T
But I'm already Captain Holypants.  I can't be a sidekick if I'm the captain.

O
Exactly. You're already the captain.  Which means I'm Captain Verbosity.

T
That doesn't make any sense!

O
Yeah, well your face doesn't make sense!

T
Great, real mature, Obsquatch.

O
(mimicking, high-pitched voice)
Great, real mature, Obsquatch!

T
(angry)
HEY--you will burn in the fiery tar pits of the deepest levels of purgatory!  I KNOW people!

K
GUYS!  Come on, now!

T
Yeah, okay, you're right.  That was too much.  I'm sorry, Obsquatch.

O
You KNOW people?!

T
(shrugs)
Yeah.

O
Seriously?

T
Dude, I can make shit happen.

K
Fellas--with the circles--please!

T
(clears throat)
Right, okay.  Yeah, he actually means golf.

K
Golf?

O
Yes, golf.  It's all about circles, Krumbine.  Golf.  And life.  Mostly golf, though.  Well, maybe 70/30.  Or 60/40.  But it's the circle of life.  And golf.  It's all about circles.

K
Okay.  Uh, WHAT?

T
Look, to make a long story short--

O
Oh, really?  A long story short?!  Since WHEN?!

T
Hey, you're not easily distracted, are you, Obsquatch?

O
(chuckling; oblivious)
What?

T
Oh, is that a squirrel with a shiny white golf ball behind you??

O
(eyes go wide)
What?!  Squirrel?

Obsquatch spins around looking for the golfing squirrel.  Krumbine is mystified.  Tripp clears his throat again.

T
See, Krumbine, Obsquatch here uses golf as an excuse to do circle work in the golf carts.  Traditionally, this will take place on the holy 18 green pastures that golfers call home.

K
Ahh .... see, now I feel like I’m in the loop.  Thanks Captain.

O
Dude, there is no goddamned squirrel.

K
(laughs; pulls out cell phone)
This I have to tweet.

T
Tweet what?

O
Goddammit, Krumbine!  There will be no tweets, tweeting, or twatting on this webcam chat!  I've had enough of that tweeter bullshit!

T
Wait, are you talking about tweeting the circles or the squirrel?

K
The circles.  But I do have to admit: a squirrel with a shiny white golf ball does tickle my fancy, if you know what I mean.

O
Krumbine if you tweet an iota of this I will personally shove your “tweet machine” so far up your ass you'll have to fart to answer your phone. Got it?

K
Jeez ... hostile much?

O
You'll have to scream at your ass hole just so people will be able to HEAR you!

K
Yeah, whatever.  Message received, squirrel boy.  One thing, though--

T
(warning)
You heard the man, no tweeting!

K
(irritated)
YEAH, I got it!  What I was gonna say--

O
I swear to God, I’ll set it to vibrate!

K
(hand gesticulating)
ALRIGHT.  All I wanted to stay was that I'm glad you kept me in the loop, it kinda means a lot to me.  Why are you so anally fixated??

Obsquatch starts to speak and then stops.  Tripp cocks his head thoughtfully.

K
And why the hell are you drawing circles on the score card while in the golf cart?  That doesn't make any sense!

T
(shakes head ponderously)
You have so much to learn, Krumbine ...

O
Dude, listen, circle work is all about golf and golf is all about circle work.  It's simple.

K
... what?

T
Yeah, I gotta agree with him on that.  What?!

O
Life ... is a circle.  It's cyclical.  It goes round and around like--

K
Circles?

O
Exactly.  And circles and life are meant to be fun in the sense that the circle of life SHOULD BE fun.  Therefore, life is about circles, circles are about golf, and golf is about--

K
Life?

O
Circles!  Not that complicated, Krumbine!

T
Says you.

K
Okay, so what's your point?

T
You know, technically a circle doesn't have a point.  It's a geometric impossibility.

K
I feel dizzy.

O
That’s a good sign, Krumbine.  It means you're on the right track.

K
That I'm dizzy?!

O
See, you pay a fee to hit a white, dimpled ball …

K
If you can get it away from the squirrel.

T
Eh, nothing a BB-gun wont fix.

O
Now this little dimpled white ball is a circle.
(makes circle gesture with hands)
Which you then hit round 18 fairways, to putt in 18 holes which are circle in shape. (gestures circle with hands) Along the way you splice the ball on the first dog leg fairway, which sends your ball cross country. So you throw your golf club at it in the hope it will fetch the golf ball for you. When that doesn’t happen, you jump in your golf buggy in a fit of frustration and drive around and around in circles.

Tripp and Krumbine offer various looks of confusion as Obsquatch descends in to a rambling state.

O
In the end, you realize you're right back where you started, where you payed your fees to begin with.  And if you're lucky, at the end of this journey, you should be exponentially wiser.

K
Okay, wiser about ...?

O
Golf, on the whole, is a complete waste of a good walk.  And in the end, you're better off staying where you started, cause you're just gonna wind up there in the end, anyway.  The circle of golf.  And life.  Golf life.  The life of golf.  Something.

T
That actually makes a strange amount of sense.

K
Agreed.  Hey, you mind if I tweet about that?

O
Goddammit, Krumbine!  I seriously hope you like the taste of rubber in the morning because I am COMING for you and when I get there, I will shove my boot so far up your ass, you'll be tasting sole for a week.  Tweet about THAT, asshole.

K
Okay, what is with you shoving things up people's asses?!  Seriously, that is NOT right, man!

T
(laughing, eating popcorn)
This IS a good show!!
(and if you DO pull out some popcorn here)
Hm ... this doesn't taste like butter on my popcorn.

O
That's because it's "I can't believe it's not butter".  From my ASS.

T
Ugh.  Really, Obsquatch?
(very short beat)
AGAIN?

END
4/22/2012 04:25:03 pm

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