Written by Jordan Krumbine

CHARACTERS
S - SAM
B - Female
C
D

TITLES

S
It was horrible.

B
No.  Really?

S
Totally horrible.  Horrible isn’t even a strong enough word for how bad it was.

C
It was worse than horrible?

D
How can something be worse than horrible?  I’m pretty sure that horrible is about as bad as it gets.

C
I dunno.  If something is REALLY horrible, THAT would be a little worse.

D
Now you’re just arguing semantics.

C
Your face is a semantic.

D
Ooh, vicious retort.  Horrible, even.

C
(flat)
Stop it, you’re killing me.

S
... did you invite those two to the chat?

B
Who, me?

S
Yeah, I’m talking to you.

B
I didn’t invite them.

S
What the hell are they doing here?

B
Eavesdropping on your bad date story?

S
Why am I even talking to you?

B
You’re doing a mitzvah.

S
Come again?

B
A mitzvah.  A good deed.  I haven’t been out on a date in ages and you’re comforting me by sharing your own personal dating experience from hell so that I don’t feel like I’m missing out on much.

C
Wait a minute.

D
Really?

C
What?

D
A whole minute?

C
Say what?

D
You just said wait a minute.

C
Yes.

D
A whole minute?

C
What, you can’t spare a minute?

D
I’m just worried you’re over-estimating this conversational interlude.

C
Maybe I factored in your pointless interruptions.

D
Ooh, touche.

C
Thank you.

D
So what’s up?

C
Is she Jewish?

D
What?

C
The whole mitzvah thing--

B
Oh, come on!  You don’t have to be Jewish in order to use a yiddish word.

C
Are you sure?

B
(hands up)
I’m not having this argument.

S
Can I tell you about the date?

D
I dunno, can you?

S
You’re really annoying, you know that?

D
(shrugs)
Some people think it’s endearing.

S
It’s not.

D
(shrugs again)
Maybe you’re not some people.

B
ALRIGHT ALREADY!

C
She sounds agitated.

D
A little.

B
STOP IT.

C
I kinda like her like this.

D
She pops, doesn’t she?

C
The word ‘vivacious’ would not be inappropriate.

S
So we went an improv show.

B
An improv show?

C
Wait a minute, are you ignoring us now?

S
It was horrible.

D
I think she’s ignoring us now.

B
Why was it horrible?

S
Lemme put it this way: you know what improv is without the comedy?

B
An unfunny improv show?

S
A bunch of people making fools of themselves.

B
And that was the whole night?

S
It was horrible.

B
Wow.

C
Well it doesn’t sound THAT bad.

D
Right?  How bad could an unfunny improv show be?

S
Well, you remember how I was just ignoring you?

C
Like just a second ago?

S
Yeah.

C
Yeah?

S
It’s about as funny as that was.

D
Well, that wasn’t very funny.

C
That wasn’t funny at all.

D
My feelings were actually a little hurt.

C
I almost shed a tear.

B
I’m almost about to barf.

S
Like I said ... it was horrible.

B
Well, even if the show was bad, you still had good company, right?

S
Wrong.

B
Really?

S
We were sitting at a table with three other couples.  Who were seniors.  It was kind of depressing.

C
The show?

D
The company.

C
The show wasn’t depressing?

S
No, the improv show was very depressing.

D
More depressing than the company?

S
It was kind of just a big ol’ wet blanket of depression with distinction between the unfunny improv show and the sad old people who thought it was funny.

B
Wait, the seniors thought the show was funny?

S
That’s what made it so depressing.

C
Cause the show was bad.

D
Horrible.

S
The worst improv show you’d ever see.

B
You know, these bad dates of yours really cramps my whole “living vicariously” through you.

S
Because YOUR needs are my primary concern here.

B
I’m just saying, if you gave me a little consideration, maybe you wouldn’t have gone to the improv show.

C
She has a point.

D
A good point.

C
A very interesting point, too.

D
If you were thinking about what SHE would enjoy, you may very well have had a better date.

C
A better date, indeed.

D
Indeed!

S
Okay, I take it back.

B
You do?

C
You take what back?

S
The date wasn’t that bad.  And it certainly wasn’t worse than sitting here and chatting with you three nutjobs.

B
Hey, don’t lump me in with those two!

C
Don’t lump me in with her!

D
I don’t mind being lumped with anybody.  It makes me feel wanted.

B
See?!  I don’t want be associated with that!

C
See, that’s nothing but intolerance, right there.  I won’t stand for that.

D
What’s wrong with association?  I have a Mental Stability Association that I attend twice a week that I love!

S
(sighs)

END



Leave a Reply.