New script is up for grabs after the break! Want to be notified of new scripts, episodes, and other related junk? Sign up on the Horbawrong Mailing List! Directorial Video:WEBCAMS -- There's Something About Peg story by JORDAN KRUMBINE MATTHEW HOROWITZ written by JORDAN KRUMBINE CHARACTERS: A - male, awkward, stumbles over his words a bit B - aggressive, big C - deadpan character TITLES B I don't believe you. A What do you mean? B I mean I don't believe you. A How can you not believe me? What's there not to believe? B What's there not to believe? Well, for starters, you having a girlfriend is pretty unbelievable. C For starters? B For starters. A (exasperated) I have a girlfriend! C What else is so unbelievable? B No, the whole thing about him having a girlfriend was pretty much it. C Yeah, but you said for starters. That implies there was something else. B Are you REALLY gonna go all OCD on my choice of words when Captain Awkward-Face himself is claiming he has an actual girlfriend?! A Hey-- C (shrugs) I just think you should be a little more precise with your language. A Awkward-Face? What is that supposed to mean? B This is so ridiculous! Only YOU would want to obsess over the idiotic minutiae of conversational banter! C I'm sorry, but I don't believe in conversational banter minutiae. I do, however, believe that you exhibit some classic signs of conversational retardation. B Conversational retardation?! A This whole Awkward-Face nickname isn't a thing, is it? I mean, it's not gonna stick, right? C The very fact that you think that conversational banter can be minute and insignificant is self-indicative of some form of retardation. B You are by far the most conversationally anal-rentative person I know. C And while you may have said that in the spirit of hostility, I will accept it as a compliment and wear the label with pride. A Guys, this whole Captain Awkward-Face thing is really bothering me, okay? I mean, I've never really had a nickname before and I don't like the idea of this being my first. B ... what the hell are you talking about? A You ... called me Captain Awkward-Face. B Dude, that was like nine hours ago. We're way past that. You need to convince me of this whole girlfriend thing. Do you have pictures? A Uhh-- C Why do you need to be convinced? If he says he has a girlfriend, he has a girlfriend. B No-no. The last time he said he had a girlfriend, she turned out to be a inflatable porpoise pool toy. C Ah, right-right. I remember that. A Guys-- C Didn't he accidentally pop the porpoise? B (sincere) That was a sad day. A Can we not talk about-- C Where did you meet her? A Wha--I'm sorry? C You've seen her, right? Your girlfriend. You know what she looks like? A Yes! I mean, of course. B So where did you meet her? A Where did I-- ? C You didn't meet her at a bar, did you? B I'm just gonna come right out and say it: bars are a terrible place to meet women. C Bars are great place to meet women. B Have you ever met a woman at bar? C Well, no-- B Because bars are a terrible place to meet women! C Yes, but statistically, women, like men, are at bars to meet people, so one can infer-- B Okay, you're boring the hell out of me. Captain: what's her name? A Me? B Her name. What is it? A Uh, Peg. Her name is Peg. B Peg? A Peg. C (confused) Her name is Peg? A (slow, nods) Peg ... is her name. B Is that an odd name to you? C It's a little odd. B Where did you meet her again? C What does she do? A Peg? B She's your girlfriend, right? A Yeah, I mean-- B Then you know what she does for a living. A Well, she's kind of disabled, so-- B Wait-wait-wait. Disabled? C "Kind of"? A (getting very flustered) Well, uh, yeah, she only has one leg. C Excuse me? B She only has ONE leg?! And her name is Peg? This is a joke, right?! This girl doesn't really exist! A Yes she does! We just went out last night! C You know, this is so odd, it might actually be true. B Hang on a sec--you said her name was Peg? A She's a really great lady-- B And she only has one leg? A She's very kind and considerate. B How well do you know this woman? C What are you getting at? B I think I know who his girlfriend is. A You know my girlfriend? B I think so. C There's no way you can know his girlfriend. That's not possible. B Look up Peggy McLeggy on google. A Hey, how did you know-- C Her last name is McLeggy? (off the search results) Oh, my ... B (grins) Yeah, you see it? A Guys-- C I don't believe this. B I'm telling you, that's her. C Captain Awkward-Face is dating a one-legged porn star named Peg. Ooh, she has a wikipedia page. A (exasperated) She's not a pornstar! B (shrugs) Adult film actress, whatever. A Sh-she doesn't do that kind of stuff! She's a nice woman! B Hey, no arguments from me. I've seen her work a few times and that whole one-legged thing is a lot more handy than you can imagine. She is a VERY nice woman. A See, that's just not-- C (reading the wiki entry) According to this, she lost her leg as an infant. She was being bathed in a sink when the garbage disposal was accidentally activated. B You know, I've always wondered about that ... A (thoughtful) .... she did tell me that she lost her leg when she was a baby ... C (still reading) Aside from the one leg, Peg McLeggy is easily identifiable by her triple e bust size and by the large mole on the back of her neck. A Oh my god, she does have a mole on her neck! C (to camera) Triple E? B (defensive) There's no such thing as too big! A I can't believe I'm dating a pornstar! B Adult film actress. A Well, she can never meet my mom. B Cause that is definitely your most pressing problem in all of this. C (continuing to read the article) Some of her more popular films include "Run, Florence, Run", "One Leg in Bangcock", and "Lean on Me". A (repulsed) Oh my god! I've seen that one! B (smug) I've seen it like fifty times. C Wait, you've seen one of her movies and you still didn't recognize her?! A I was a little pre-occupied with the whole single leg thing! B Don't worry, I'd be pre-occupied with that, too. I'm just saying, the angles and the things you could do-- C It says here that she has a collection of dildo-shaped canes that she has custom made for both walking and, uh, well, you know ... B (awed) I'm pretty sure that is the most awesome thing I've ever heard. A Guys, what am I gonna do?! B What do you mean what are you gonna do? You ACTUALLY have a girlfriend. C A famous one, at that. A Yeah, but I can't date a pornstar! B Adult film actress. A I can't date that either! C Why not? Your only other option is an inflatable porpoise. B And we've already seen how that story ends. On the other hand, how about this: you give me Peg's phone number and I'll buy you another pool toy. C Oh, hey, she's got a new movie coming out. She's playing the one-legged scarecrow in a Wizard of Oz remake. B Really? C There's a trailer and an mp3 of her song "If I only Had a Leg". B Send me that link! A (mourning) Oh, god ... END |
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