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[SCRIPT] WEBCAMS 28 - How to Prepare for a Zombie Apocalypse

11/8/2010

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STANDARD DISCLAIMER JUNK:

If you have any questions about whether or not WEBCAMS is a collab for you and if you need tips on how to record your footage for this show, please read this article in our How-To section.

There are 3 parts in this script and all 3 are up for grabs.  As always, leave a comment below regarding which part you're interested in.  If you're new to WEBCAMS, also leave a link to a video that shows off your acting.

The chosen performers will be notified by email along with there being a corresponding post in this blog.

If you'd like to contribute to the show, but if you don't want to act, we're always looking for original, :20 songs to compliment the main theme of the episode.  If you have an idea for, and you want to write an episode of WEBCAMS, please submit it for consideration to this email address.

Click past the break for the new script!
WEBCAMS 28 -- How to Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse
story by GoNoAmmo
written by GoNoAmmo and Jordan Krumbine

A - The Dude
B - The Chick
C - The Zombie Realist


A
Pop quiz: how would you survive a zombie apocalypse?

B
A zombie apocalypse?

A
Yeah, zombies.

B
Why are you asking me about zombies?

A
(like it’s the most ridiculous thing he’s ever been asked)
Why am I asking you about zombies?

B
You know I don’t even like zombies. The whole undead, rotting flesh thing ... seriously, that’s just gross.

A
Look, it doesn’t matter if you think it’s gross or not -- what matters is survival.

B
Survival?

A
Okay, can I tell you something?

B
What’s that?

A
You are a beautiful person, but you will be the first to die during a zombie apocalypse. I’m not saying that you’ll be AMONG the first, I'm saying you will BE the first.

B
Well, if you’re trying to disarm me with your wit and charm--

A
This is serious stuff! And if you don’t knowledge up, you will be DEAD.

B
You’re not gonna let this go, are you?

A
There’s about five different ways there could be a zombie outbreak, so I want to make sure that you’re properly prepared.

B
How considerate.

A
What, is that sarcasm?

B
You have to admit, it’s pretty peculiar that you care so much about me being prepared for a hypothetical zombie apocalypse.

A
Oh, I’m sorry, I just assumed you wouldn’t want to DIE. Was I wrong?

B
Okay, you’re DEFINITELY not gonna let this go. Fine, uh, yeah, assuming that a zombie apocalypse was actually happening, I guess I would probably start by raiding a gun shop, okay?

A
What? Ah, no!

B
Really? What’s wrong with raiding the gun shop? I’d need weapons to shoot all the zombies during a zombie apocalypse, right?

A
Well, yes, but there’s a fatal flaw to your plan.

B
I’m pretty sure it’s in your head.

A
What?

B
The fatal flaw.
(shakes head)
Nevermind.

A
Assume you go to the gun shop nearest your home.

B
Assumed.

A
This place also happens to be the nearest gun shop for about a thousand other people and it’s a fair bet that a few of them are going to get there before you.

B
I’ll be sure to move closer before the apocalypse.

A
Assuming the shop isn’t cleaned out by the time you get there -- or if the owners haven’t barricaded themselves inside in order to protect their livelihood, thank you very much -- anybody who DOES have a gun is likely to know how to use it a hell of a lot better than you do.

B
So what you’re saying is that the odds of me getting some guns are nil.

A
Minimal, at best. And don’t forget about the zombies.

B
What about them?

A
Well, while you were futilely trying to procure a firearm, a horde of the undead are literally creeping up behind you. Odds of surviving this scenario are practically nonexistent.

B
And here I thought you loved me.

A
I do! That’s why I’m trying to help you now! Forewarned is forearmed, never more so than during a zombie apocalypse.

B
I hate you.

A
Not as much you’ll hate all those zombies gnawing on your lower intestines. Now what’s plan B?

B
Plan B?

A
You gotta have a plan B.

B
Assuming I can’t get any firearms?

A
That’s pretty much a guarantee.

B
Well, I’d get out of town, then.

A
(snorts)
Yeah, you and everyone else.

B
(weary)
Okay, what’s wrong with trying to get out of town?

A
Only EVERYTHING. All that traffic will create a bottleneck that’ll jam the roads. Everyone will be going nowhere fast while the ranks of the undead start grabbing some meals on wheels.

B
FINE. Then I could lock myself in my house. Lock the doors, board up the windows. I’ve got enough canned food to hold me.

A
Yeah? For how long? Zombies never stop. They don’t need to eat or sleep and they never get bored. They are literally capable of waiting forever.

C
Hey lovebirds. Talking zombies?

B
Sadly.

A
I’m trying to explain that there are five different ways a zombie apocalypse could happen and that we need to be prepared for each one.

B
You haven’t done anything other than tell me how quickly I’d die.

A
Because you’re not prepared!

C
I wouldn’t worry about anything. As scary as a zombie apocalypse might sound, it’s just not realistic.

B
Yeah, that’s what I said.

C
No, I mean zombies can totally happen but a rampant plague that leads to the apocalypse? Very unlikely.

B
(rolling eyes)
Oh, god ...

C
So you definitely need to be prepared for a HANDFUL of zombies -- it would be pretty embarrassing if you died in an outbreak that never even came close to an epidemic.

A
Wait, wait, wait. What the hell would keep it from being an epidemic?

C
In a nutshell? Zombies have too many natural predators; they can’t function in heat or cold; biting is terrible way to spread disease; and they can’t heal from day to day damage.

A
Why is biting a terrible way to spread disease?

C
Oh well, you remember that one time when that dog got rabies, and then a day later, every single other dog on the continent had it, except for a small band of survivors huddled in a basement?

A
(confused)
When did that happen?

B
That DOESN'T happen

C
It doesn't because it can't.

A
... seriously?

C
(shrugs)
Seriously.

A
(disappointed)
... huh.

B
You were really taking this zombie thing seriously?

A
I take SURVIVAL seriously.

B
Well, I guess I’m sorry we burst your bubble.

A
... I guess I won’t need my boat.

C
You have a boat?

B
When did you get a boat?

A
(shrugs)
I’ve had it.

B
In order to survive a zombie apocalypse?

A
I have it all stocked up and was going to take us down to the Ten Thousand Islands in Florida. It was the perfect plan.

B
(thoughtful)
Huh.

C
An island off the coast of Florida. That doesn’t exactly sound terrible.

A
Too bad there’ll never be a zombie apocalypse.

C
Too bad.

B
(a thoughtful moment where she realizes how nice a zombie apocalypse could be; then a mournful sigh)

END
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  • KRUMBCO
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    • Subscribe to Krumbine
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  • Caffeine: A Feature Film