[SCRIPT] WEBCAMS 28 - How to Prepare for a Zombie Apocalypse

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WEBCAMS 28 -- How to Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse
story by GoNoAmmo
written by GoNoAmmo and Jordan Krumbine

A - The Dude
B - The Chick
C - The Zombie Realist


A
Pop quiz: how would you survive a zombie apocalypse?

B
A zombie apocalypse?

A
Yeah, zombies.

B
Why are you asking me about zombies?

A
(like it’s the most ridiculous thing he’s ever been asked)
Why am I asking you about zombies?

B
You know I don’t even like zombies. The whole undead, rotting flesh thing ... seriously, that’s just gross.

A
Look, it doesn’t matter if you think it’s gross or not -- what matters is survival.

B
Survival?

A
Okay, can I tell you something?

B
What’s that?

A
You are a beautiful person, but you will be the first to die during a zombie apocalypse. I’m not saying that you’ll be AMONG the first, I'm saying you will BE the first.

B
Well, if you’re trying to disarm me with your wit and charm--

A
This is serious stuff! And if you don’t knowledge up, you will be DEAD.

B
You’re not gonna let this go, are you?

A
There’s about five different ways there could be a zombie outbreak, so I want to make sure that you’re properly prepared.

B
How considerate.

A
What, is that sarcasm?

B
You have to admit, it’s pretty peculiar that you care so much about me being prepared for a hypothetical zombie apocalypse.

A
Oh, I’m sorry, I just assumed you wouldn’t want to DIE. Was I wrong?

B
Okay, you’re DEFINITELY not gonna let this go. Fine, uh, yeah, assuming that a zombie apocalypse was actually happening, I guess I would probably start by raiding a gun shop, okay?

A
What? Ah, no!

B
Really? What’s wrong with raiding the gun shop? I’d need weapons to shoot all the zombies during a zombie apocalypse, right?

A
Well, yes, but there’s a fatal flaw to your plan.

B
I’m pretty sure it’s in your head.

A
What?

B
The fatal flaw.
(shakes head)
Nevermind.

A
Assume you go to the gun shop nearest your home.

B
Assumed.

A
This place also happens to be the nearest gun shop for about a thousand other people and it’s a fair bet that a few of them are going to get there before you.

B
I’ll be sure to move closer before the apocalypse.

A
Assuming the shop isn’t cleaned out by the time you get there -- or if the owners haven’t barricaded themselves inside in order to protect their livelihood, thank you very much -- anybody who DOES have a gun is likely to know how to use it a hell of a lot better than you do.

B
So what you’re saying is that the odds of me getting some guns are nil.

A
Minimal, at best. And don’t forget about the zombies.

B
What about them?

A
Well, while you were futilely trying to procure a firearm, a horde of the undead are literally creeping up behind you. Odds of surviving this scenario are practically nonexistent.

B
And here I thought you loved me.

A
I do! That’s why I’m trying to help you now! Forewarned is forearmed, never more so than during a zombie apocalypse.

B
I hate you.

A
Not as much you’ll hate all those zombies gnawing on your lower intestines. Now what’s plan B?

B
Plan B?

A
You gotta have a plan B.

B
Assuming I can’t get any firearms?

A
That’s pretty much a guarantee.

B
Well, I’d get out of town, then.

A
(snorts)
Yeah, you and everyone else.

B
(weary)
Okay, what’s wrong with trying to get out of town?

A
Only EVERYTHING. All that traffic will create a bottleneck that’ll jam the roads. Everyone will be going nowhere fast while the ranks of the undead start grabbing some meals on wheels.

B
FINE. Then I could lock myself in my house. Lock the doors, board up the windows. I’ve got enough canned food to hold me.

A
Yeah? For how long? Zombies never stop. They don’t need to eat or sleep and they never get bored. They are literally capable of waiting forever.

C
Hey lovebirds. Talking zombies?

B
Sadly.

A
I’m trying to explain that there are five different ways a zombie apocalypse could happen and that we need to be prepared for each one.

B
You haven’t done anything other than tell me how quickly I’d die.

A
Because you’re not prepared!

C
I wouldn’t worry about anything. As scary as a zombie apocalypse might sound, it’s just not realistic.

B
Yeah, that’s what I said.

C
No, I mean zombies can totally happen but a rampant plague that leads to the apocalypse? Very unlikely.

B
(rolling eyes)
Oh, god ...

C
So you definitely need to be prepared for a HANDFUL of zombies -- it would be pretty embarrassing if you died in an outbreak that never even came close to an epidemic.

A
Wait, wait, wait. What the hell would keep it from being an epidemic?

C
In a nutshell? Zombies have too many natural predators; they can’t function in heat or cold; biting is terrible way to spread disease; and they can’t heal from day to day damage.

A
Why is biting a terrible way to spread disease?

C
Oh well, you remember that one time when that dog got rabies, and then a day later, every single other dog on the continent had it, except for a small band of survivors huddled in a basement?

A
(confused)
When did that happen?

B
That DOESN'T happen

C
It doesn't because it can't.

A
... seriously?

C
(shrugs)
Seriously.

A
(disappointed)
... huh.

B
You were really taking this zombie thing seriously?

A
I take SURVIVAL seriously.

B
Well, I guess I’m sorry we burst your bubble.

A
... I guess I won’t need my boat.

C
You have a boat?

B
When did you get a boat?

A
(shrugs)
I’ve had it.

B
In order to survive a zombie apocalypse?

A
I have it all stocked up and was going to take us down to the Ten Thousand Islands in Florida. It was the perfect plan.

B
(thoughtful)
Huh.

C
An island off the coast of Florida. That doesn’t exactly sound terrible.

A
Too bad there’ll never be a zombie apocalypse.

C
Too bad.

B
(a thoughtful moment where she realizes how nice a zombie apocalypse could be; then a mournful sigh)

END

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