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STANDARD DISCLAIMER JUNK: If you have any questions about whether or not WEBCAMS is a collab for you and if you need tips on how to record your footage for this show, please read this article in our How-To section. There are 4 parts up for grabs in this script. As always, leave a comment below regarding which part you're interested in. If you're new to WEBCAMS, also leave a link to a video that shows off your acting. The chosen performers will be notified by email along with a corresponding post in this blog. If you'd like to contribute to the show, but you don't want to act, we're always looking for original, :20 songs to compliment the main theme of the episode. If you have an idea for, and you want to write an episode of WEBCAMS, please submit it for consideration to this email address. Click past the break for the new script! The Truth (and Death) of Santa Claus Story by: Chris LeBrane Written by: Chris LeBrane and Jordan Krumbine CAST: A - Optimistic about Christmas B - Jaded about Christmas C - Equally optimistic D - Tenaciously indifferent A (grinning) So … how was everyone’s Christmas? I have to tell you, mine was AMAZING! B (flat) Yay. Great. Well it seems like you were the only one. A What, you weren’t excited for Christmas? B Hm. Let me think about that. A weekend of visiting my entire family; smiling for aunts and uncles I never see; cretin cousins that never liked me; grandparents who think everyone should get along; and constant judgement from everywhere I turn. YEAH. Sign me up! A Sweet non-alcoholic eggnog in the morning! You are one Post-Season Scroogey bastard, aren’t you? B Scroogey bastard? At least that asshole had cash. I’m always broke as a joke. ANOTHER reason why I am never hyped for Christmas! C (sympathetic) Awwwww! I totally see it now! The real reason you don’t get excited for Christmas is because you can't afford to get your loved ones the things they deserve? B Oh, hell no. It’s because I can't buy MYSELF anything for Christmas. Screw the family. Every time I buy them something, they always manage to re-wrap it with masked disappointment and contempt. That’s why I only give them the gift of ignorance. C (surprised) Ignorance? B (nods) Yes. I ignore them. A How can you ignore your family on Christmas? The whole point of the holiday is to get into the spirit of giving! B The spirit of giving? C The spirit of giving! B (shrugs) If ever there was a gift that kept on giving, it’s surely the gift of unchecked ignorance. Months will go by and I’ll pop up as a subject in a conversation and they’ll speculate for hours as to what I’m up to, all because I cared enough NOT to care. C (confused) …. A (awkward, opens mouth) …. TITLES. A Okay, well, since SOMEONE can’t stop being a grinch for five minutes-- B (shrugs) It's against my Devilmas principles ... A (rolls eyes) Right. Whatever. Listen, lemme ask you a question ... B Shoot. A Did you ever believe in Santa Claus? B What?! Hell no! C Not even as a kid? B Well … okay, sure, maybe as a BABY. A Alright. Good to know! B Good to know? A That you haven’t been this jaded your entire life. B Well, my parents put an end to the Santa Claus business friggin’ quick. C How do you mean? B (shakes head) Nuh-uh. I’m not spilling those beans. A Oh come on! How bad could it be? B Trust me … you don't want to know ... C Now I really wanna know! D What do you want to know? A ‘Ol Ebenezer here doesn’t want to tell us how his parents ruined Santa Claus for him. D Ah! The death of the dream. Happens to us all at some point, doesn’t it? C How did it happen for you? D (shrugs) I caught my parents wrapping up my gift. C That was it? D Easy come, easy go. ‘Course, we had gone to see Santa at the mall earlier-- A AH! Mall Santa's! They are always weird and unpredictable. The one that frequented our mall was a big fan of the boys. A .... BIG....FAN! B Ewww ... A Yeah. He wound up in prison. (grins, winks) Its Christmas everyday for him now. C Okay, uh GROSS! D Yeah, well MY Santa wasn't that bad. He did smell like a pack of Newports though. So I asked for a Pogo Ball and he guaranteed I’d get it. When I saw my parents wrapping it, the jig was up. A Well, that's not too-too bad. Considering the way *I* found out. C How did you find out? A It was a couple of days after Christmas. I was sitting, playing with my toys when my dad walks in and goes "So … you think Santa Claus is real?" C Just like that? A And I said "Yes, of course!". My dad goes completely deadpan: "Well, he isn’t." and then he left! B That's all it took? A (shrugs) Pretty much. Shortly after that came the news about the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and so on and so forth. C I think I’ve got you all beat. A Oh, is that right? D I doubt that. A I feel like mine was pretty damn harsh. I mean, how can you top that level of concrete pseudo-psycho parental guidance? C My told me that if I shook the gifts under the tree, Santa would know and magically replace all of my toys with rocks. B (laughing uncontrollably) C There’s nothing funny about that! B (laughing yet trying to speak) (C gives B a mean look) B (composing himself) Okay … okay …. A Come on, man! B (composing himself) Okay .... but on Christmas day, you had the gifts, right? No harm, no foul? C Not quite. I got so nervous about only getting rocks that during the Christmas Eve family party, I got hysterical and ripped open the gifts in front of everyone. A Ooh! What did you get? C EVERYTHING! A friggin Playstation, games, CD's, a new telephone, clothes. I racked up!!! D (dubious) Okay, so how is that a bad story? A You made out like a fat rat with some cheese, huh? C Like I said … not quite. My parents were SO pissed at me, they yelled at me in front of everyone, not only revealing that there was no Santa Clause but also that they were going to return all the gifts on the 26th. A Bullshit! They were bluffing right? C I wish. D Damn … that's cold. They returned ALL of your gifts? C Yep. And that’s not the worst of it. They made ME do it! A Are you serious? C Yep. Every single one. Receipts and all. I had to walk into each store, return the gift and give my parents back the money. They were pretty strict. D Okay, you win. That's the worst truth-about-Santa-Claus-story I have EVER heard! B (smug) Eh … I don't think so ... A Really? Well, you’ve heard all of our stories, why don’t you stop being such an ass and tell us yours? B I'm telling you … you don't want to hear it. C (irritated) You KEEP saying that! D Would you just tell us? A We would like to know! B Fine! Okay, fine! You want it? Here it goes. A (exasperated) Finally! B Would you shut up already?! A (angry look) B When I was about 5, my siblings and I kept on talking about Santa. Santa-Santa-Santa! That's all we could think about. D Sounds about normal ... B Well, my dad didn't like it. Not only that, but he also had an ego problem and he ALWAYS had to be numero uno when it came to anything. So when his kids praised a fictional character for all HIS hard work, well, that just didn’t sit well with him. A So what happened? B (sits quietly for a second) … on Christmas Eve, we were all in the living room, singing Christmas songs and getting excited about the arrival of one Mr. Claus. Of course, we noticed there were no gifts under the tree, but we all knew it was because Santa hadn’t come yet. After a little while of this back and forth, Santa-this and Santa-that, well, my dad finally lost it. C What do you mean, “lost it”? B He jumped up and screamed "I am SICK and TIRED of Santa Claus getting all the praise around here! It’s high time I give him a piece of my mind!" Then he got up and went outside. At this point, we suddenly hear a mess of noise on the roof-- D (excited) Noise on the roof?! B What are you? My retarded echo? Yes, on the friggin’ roof! A Calm down, proceed. B We hear this noise on the roof and we all think the same thing: Santa Claus is here! We get really excited and we hide under the blankets on the couch. We hear the unmistakable “HO HO HO!” (everyone smiles, thinking good thoughts of Santa) B … and then we hear my father yell "It's time for you to retire, Santa!" and then-- (as loud as you can scream) BAM!!! CHICKA-BLAM!!!! (everyone jumps in reaction to the "BLAM!") B The next thing we see is a big red body falling off the roof. PLOP! Just a dull, lifeless thud. C (in shock) Oh … my … GOD. B Then my dad starts shooting rounds into the sky, followed by what certainly looked like pieces of reindeer dropping around Santa’s lifeless body. A Sheeesh!!! D Your dad went all out, huh? B He eventually stumbled back inside, covered in blood and holding a pair of antlers. (pauses for a second) There were no gifts that year. C Antlers? A (shocked) Covered in blood? B I don't know what he was shooting at …. but it was SOMETHING, that’s for sure. D Did he ever fess up? B Nope. He kept the myth alive. He had a picture taken with his foot on Santa's body and he blew it up to poster-size to display it every Christmas after that. A Holy shit … your dad killed Santa Claus! B Yep. Santa Claus isn't real … at least, not anymore … Merry Fuckin Christmas. END HORBAWRONG STUDIOS RELEASE NOTICE:
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