TH11 - Faking Awkward

COLD OPEN

KRUMBINE
Hi there.  My name is Jordan Krumbine and I'm the writer and creator of the hit youtube collaborative internet show, Talking Heads.  We've recently reached the milestone of our tenth episode, so I thought it might be fun to shake things up a little--starting with this: a little introduction of sorts that we in the biz like to call a "cold open".  So without any further adoo-doo ... Let's get on with the show!

Krumbine gets ready to walk off and stops abruptly.  SAM pushes him back into frame.

SAM
What the fuck is going on here?

KRUMBINE
What?  What do you mean?  I'm doing the cold open for episode eleven!  And now you're in my shot, Sam--you're COMPLETELY fucking up my intro.

SAM
Really, Jordan?  I'm fucking up your shot by being IN IT?!  Is that it?  Because I seem to recall a certain flavor of bullshit you were trying to sell me about how EVERY shot I'm in is fucking golden.

KRUMBINE
Hey--

Sam slaps the back of his head.

KRUMBINE
OW!

SAM
Ass.

KRUMBINE
Look, I'm just trying to do an introduction for the episode!!!  I've told you again and AGAIN about how important my youtube videos are and you continuously try and undermine my creativity!  You do this to me every time--EVERY TIME!

SAM
... are you done now?

KRUMBINE
... yeah.

SAM
You wanna introduce your damn show, then?

KRUMBINE
(to camera, flat)
... welcome to Talking Heads, episode 11.

Jordan turns to leave again--

SAM
Really?  That was it?  That was the big intro?

KRUMBINE
Will you just let me walk off?!  I need to be able to walk out of frame here!  Will you just--
(gesticulates)

Sam steps aside.

SAM
Fine!  Walk off!

KRUMBINE
Gah!

Krumbine walks off.  Sam shakes her head and walks off in the opposite direction.

TITLES.

MIDDLEBROOK
(angry)
KRUMBINE!

KRUMBINE
(happy)
Middlebrook!

MIDDLEBROOK
(angry)
Dude.

KRUMBINE
Dude?

MIDDLEBROOK
DUDE.

Allison enters frame with Middlebrook.

KRUMBINE
Allison!  Um, hi.

Allison points angrily at Krumbine.

ALLISON
(through teeth)
... you ...

KRUMBINE
(grins)
Me ... wait, what?

ALLISON
You need to explain how all of this is fake.

KRUMBINE
Fake?  It's not fake.  Wait, what do you mean by fake?  This isn't fake.  Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about.

ALLISON
This show--these episodes--the words we're saying right now!  It's all ... FAKE.

KRUMBINE
... what?  I'm sorry, I'm just not—-what?

MIDDLEBROOK
(clears throat)
What my lovely wife is trying to say here is that too many people think that I really have a crazy fangirl fan-mcperson and that I really flirted with her.

KRUMBINE
What, you mean that thing back in episode 7?  The birth of the J-Bear?

MIDDLEBROOK
(grins)
J-Bear.

KRUMBINE
(pointing)
J-BEAR.

ALLISON
Fuck the J-Bear!

MIDDLEBROOK
Be quiet, woman--we're reminiscing here!

J-BEAR SCENE FROM #7.

SAM
This J-Bear crap is so old.

KRUMBINE
You know, I just so happen to be the original J-Bear.

MIDDLEBROOK
What?!  Fuck that shit.  I AM the J-Bear.

KRUMBINE
It's true!  That was my nickname.  I thought it fit you better so I wrote into episode 7 for you.  I GAVE YOU that nickname, sir.
(beat)
I MADE the J-Bear.   Because I am the ORIGINAL J-Bear.

MIDDLEBROOK
Pfft.  More like J-Square.

KRUMBINE
HEY!

ALLISON
Look, can you just explain to your viewers that all of this is scripted?  Can you explain that none of this is real?

KRUMBINE
I--

NIKI
Oh, WOW.  It is SO good to be back on the show.  I've missed you guys so much.

MIDDLEBROOK
(happy)
Niki!

Allison looks at him.  He returns her stare.

MIDDLEBROOK
What?!

Allison slaps him upside the head.

MIDDLEBROOK
... OW!

KRUMBINE
(clears throat)
Um, Niki, this is Middlebrook's WIFE ... Allison.  Okay?  Are you understanding what I'm saying here?  The J-Bear is married--that's his wife.

NIKI
Oh, I'm totally over the J-Bear.  I don't even like beards.  They just gross me out.

KRUMBINE
Really?

SAM
Oh!  J-Bear got BURNED!

MIDDLEBROOK
(offish)
It's cool.  Whatever.

Allison slaps him upside the head again.

MIDDLEBROOK
OW!  What?!

NIKI
I wanna know about Danny.  Where is he?  Is he gonna be in this episode?  I REALLY like Danny.  You know what I mean?  I like him.  I like Danny.

SAM
See, Krumbine?!  Yeah!  I told you people would like Danny.

KRUMBINE
I never said they wouldn't!

SAM
Yes--yes, you did!

KRUMBINE
(confused)
What--when?!

SAM
Oh, come on!

**REMEMBERING DANNY SCENE**

LONG BEAT.

KRUMBINE
... I don't know if people are gonna really like Danny too much.  He's so ... laid back, you know?

SAM
... dude, people are gonna love Danny.

KRUMBINE
(sighs)
... yeah, I dunno about that.

**END SCENE**

KRUMBINE
OKAY!  Fine.   So, I was wrong.

MIDDLEBROOK
Fucking horbawrong.

Allison slaps him again.

MIDDLEBROOK
Hey--HEY!  I didn't do anything that time!  I am allowed to say horbawrong!  That's my fucking word!

ALLISON
I know ... I just really like hitting you.

NIKI
So ... where's Danny?  I really have something I need to tell him.

MIDDLEBROOK
If you want, you can tell me.
(quickly, off Allison)
And I can RELAY IT BACK TO DANNY!  God!

NIKI
(cold, flat)
I am so over you, Middlebrook.

SAM
Krumbine?

KRUMBINE
Sam?

SAM
This episode is WAY off track.  Tighten it up before I tighten you up.

KRUMBINE
(lost)
... uuuuh ...

SAM
WHAT?

KRUMBINE
... I'm sorry ... I'm just imagining what you tightening me up could possibly entail.

SAM
Oh, that's gross--

KRUMBINE
SHH!  No talking!

SAM
NO!  No more tangents for you.  Ass.  Focus for two minutes, will you?

KRUMBINE
Alright, fine.

DANNY
Hey, guys.

KRUMBINE
Danny!

SAM
What's up, Danny-boy?

NIKI
(blushing)
Hi, Danny.

DANNY
Oh, hey--Niki right?  You're Middlebrook's fangirl, yeah?

NIKI
Not anymore, no.  I'm totally over him.  Did you get my private message?

DANNY
(blinks, uncomfortable)
Um ...

NIKI
Did you get a chance to think about it?

DANNY
Look, I don't know if this is really the place to talk about--

NIKI
I want your socks, Danny.  Just one sock, even.  Please ... pleasepleaseplease.
(beat)
Give me your sock.

Danny stares, unsure what to say.

Long beat for everyone.

ALLISON
... oh, come on!!!  This isn't actually happening!  Krumbine wrote these words and now they're acting—it's—it's—it's all fake!!!

KRUMBINE
Allison?

ALLISON
WHAT?

KRUMBINE
(whispers)
... you can't fake awkward ...

WIDE SHOT OF KRUMBINE AND SAM ON INDIVIDUAL LAPTOPS AT THE DINING ROOM TABLE.  THEY LOOK UP AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE CAMERA.

MIDDLEBROOK
(VERY matter-of-fact)
He's right.  Awkward is very difficult to fake.

ALLISON
No, it isn't!

MIDDLEBROOK
(total 180)
Yeah, it really isn't.  Sorry, Krumbine.

KRUMBINE
DUDE.  Not cool.  You're supposed to have my back on shit like this.

MIDDLEBROOK
Sorry man, you know how it goes.

KRUMBINE
I would do ANYTHING for you, J-Bear.  ANYTHING.

MIDDLEBROOK
Haha! Krumbine's gay for the J-Bear.  J-Bear and J-Square FOREVER.

Middlebrook flinches but Allison doesn't slap him.  She shrugs.

MIDDLEBROOK
You're not gonna hit me again?

ALLISON
What?  THAT I'd actually like to see.

END